Number 50

Am I a blogger?

Right now marks my 50th post, and I am struck by the idea that I tried to start this site last October for fun and have contributed in the past sporadically (or when I wasn’t busy trying to have a life, to report on it.) I see my friends effortlessly post their ideas and thoughts and witty repartee and I look at my posts which sometimes have glimpses of humor but are for the most part written when some thought is bothering me and the only way I can excise the demon is to write it out.
I am using you all as therapy to the thoughts keeping me hostage and I wonder, is that what blogging is?

If I suddenly felt well enough to leave the sanctity of my house on a regular basis, would I take any readers along with me? Would I report on the triumphs and misery, would I share enough to endear any reader or vest them in my life? I wonder, is THAT what blogging is?

Am I brave enough to actually write the real issues down and not just the epiphanies that occur post event? Or will I continue to use this little road stop as my own personal reflecting pond?

Anyway, not a groundbreaking post, but thought I’d highlight the first real milestone I’ve had here.

Merry Christmas to all I hope you have a wonderful season full of people who love you.

You're on Notice!

Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy…

What have I learned in 2006?
In a single phrase; NOTHING in this world that’s worth having comes easy.

Be it the dream job that feels more like playing then working, the body that makes you proud to walk around in a swimsuit at the beach or the relationship that completes you as you find the soulmate you have been searching for. These things will never be easy as I think you had to have earned enough karmic cash before going to the register with any of these types of purchases.

On Friday night, we had our annual Holiday party for the office complete with the way too free flowing alcohol and music that makes you cringe outwardly. It was a lot of fun and I admit to being one of those that imbibed in mass quantities of the sauce. I had attended the evening with one idea in mind: I was going to have fun: I would eat, drink and be merry and worry about any consequences on Monday. Luckily the worst I will potentially have to face on Monday will be jokes about being slightly off-balanced on the dance floor.

It was in this evening, as I looked around at the 45 or so people in the room, I realized that I have grown to love this highly dysfunctional family and their part in my life. I may complain about the daily toils of my job or the many injustices that get thrown out at the staff on a regular basis, but overall I work for a company that I know well and am comfortable being myself with. In that group, almost all know about my illness and have been supportive and accepting. I may not always agree with them all, but at the end of the day, I work with a good group of human beings.

I know this job will never feel like playing to me, but some of my closest and dearest friends are right there with me and when the days are bad we all chip in to ease the load of one another and when the days are good, we cut out to get a drink and enjoy the relaxation that comes after a job well done.

I have also realized that I am no longer able to look at my physical imperfections with a critical eye, because this year has taught me to love my body for what it does for me and to take care of it so it can continue my existence a little longer. Food when I am able to keep it down is a pleasure and joy and more than just the caloric guilt it used to be. Exercise is now for the pleasure of feeling my body stretch and move in positive ways and is a triumph, a symbol of overcoming my weakness, it will never again be the punishment inflicted on myself for the simple fact of trying to live up to a “Cosmo” standard.

When the sun comes back to us here, I will be the first one out by the pool in a bikini allowing the sun to warm my body and my bones and remind me for one more year that everyday the sun shines, is one more day to be thankful. Never again will I sit in the shade of sickness covered up out of fear of what others think of me, the time to worry about what others may think of me has passed and it is time to come into myself. Living for myself only and not for the approval of others who are probably weighed down in just as much insecurity and doubt of their own bodies as I once was.

Finally, I am at peace with my single status. I have slowed down significantly and am no longer in any rush to be “coupled”, this state brings complications that I cannot afford. I guess I could lie and say I am open to a relationship at this point and am just looking for the right guy, but the truth is; I’m not. I have zero interest in dating or men or any of the complications that come with putting yourself into a situation where “other people’s problems” become yours as you and he become one.

I really needed a break from the scene of dating and of feeling guilty for not being able to love more. After a certain amount of time with a person, you may love their laugh or the cute thing they do with their eyes, or their kindness or consideration, but there comes a point where they start looking for you to love them completely. Once you reach that stage, you either cut lose or take it to the next level. Sometimes you pretend so the relationship can go to the next level because you’re not ready to cut lose.

The fine writing on this decision is; Guess what? When you love someone you know it pretty immediately and all you are doing at that crossroads point is waiting for the moment to feel right to confess your feelings. If you decide to pretend to avoid the break-up and buy yourself more time…all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. Your heart knows long before your mind ever has a chance to process and if you think for a moment that you will somehow convince your heart to go along with something, you are in for an extremely messy break-up further down the road when the other person has invested much more love and energy into the relationship.

I have had 3 significant relationships this year. The first was a disaster from the beginning and ended in a thankfully short lived mess. The second was with someone I still love to this day, but needed to break out of the cycle of bad communication and failed attempts before it destroyed everything I was trying so hard to retain during the worst of my illness. The final relationship was one in which I pretended to love him to buy myself more time to sort out my feelings and this ended in the worst type of heartbreak as I realized that it was a façade and ended it. I believe for him, the investment was made and he was not acting and so my true feelings coming to light came as a cruel betrayal and loss for all he had planned for us.

I hope I will reach a point where I am ready to try again, but with the lessons learned from this year, I know I will move slowly and deliberately and will be careful where I tread. No crossroads will ever make me hesitate or pretend to be someone I’m not as the end result is never going to be positive and only leads to more loss and heartbreak.

As my year draws to a close and I take stock of what will go down as the worst in my 28 and ½ years on this planet, as illustrated above, I see a light at the end of the tunnel: I survived a stronger person, with the scars of this year toughening me up and preparing me for the plethora of challenges I cannot even comprehend at this moment. I have a steady job that may not be perfectly right for me, but is perfectly right for me right now. I am no longer a slave to appearances as I am proud of the body that continues to give me oxygen and for a heart that continues to pump my blood and for a body that takes me where I need to go.
Finally, I have no love relationship but much love in the friend relationships I have been able to cultivate.

None of these realizations have come easily, they have all come with the heavy burden of illness and heartbreak. However coming to terms with all the burden of this year has given me enough money in my Karmic bank account to walk away from the store with the purchase of peace.

My hope is that for others they don’t have to lose as much or go through so much pain to reach the same core sense of self that I have finally reached.

Picture of the Day

Melissa you are the greatest!!! Thank you again for inviting me to celebrate your fabulous birthday.

Look at that.....Lots of love, I have a genuine smile on my face and am having a fun time.

Weekend in Review

Friday: Went with Sarah, David and Amanda to Not So Silent Night a rocking holiday concert line up with the artists: The Silversun Pickups, The Shins, The Raconteurs, Modest Mouse and the Killers performing between 20 minutes sets to an hour each. High points of my concert going experience included:

1. Each band that performed was excellent! My favorites being the Raconteurs and the Killers. The Raconteurs had a very jam session feel to their performance that seemed to channel a cross between Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin with a White Stripes sound….probably had to be there to get that mix.
The Killers were surprisingly fantastic; I admit I was worried about seeing them live since every time I’ve seen them on TV, they have sucked pretty solidly. This evening however, was incredible, with them producing a set that was spot on and rocked really hard. I am now a believer and will never doubt their greatness again.

2. Easiest venue to get to and park at.


3. Being as weak as I am right now, we were extremely lucky in that we got fantastic seating (we ended up sitting in the balcony to the left of the stage.) Giving us both a clear view of the stage and the crowd lamely moshing below.

4. We had our own mini soap opera-esque activity happening in our section, with lots of drinking, yelling and insane drunk girl dancing..lucky for me I got to watch 5 solid inches of a woman’s G-sting as it tried poorly to fit around the skin and jiggly body parts flopping out of it.
The highlight of our Soap: David actually asking a women sitting in front of him “Do you need some Midol?”… You can use your imagination as to what kind of reaction that produced (as I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t instinctively cringe at that comment) add copious amounts of alcohol to the women receiving it and it was a tense few moments. End result = crazy drunk girls left our section and we were able to fully enjoy the Killers.

5. For a completely sold out concert – I lucked out with no lines in the bathroom.

Saturday:
Had the house to myself; decided to hang out in bed all day recovering from the late night. During which I watched really bad Christmas movies on cable and played solitaire. I was invited to go out clubbing for a friend of a friends birthday party, and since I happen to be Myspace friends with a fantastic DJ named Donny (who added me to his VIP list for the club they were going to) I decided at the last minute to go there to celebrate. Actually went out and danced for a few songs, but ended that pretty quickly when the guys around me got waaaaaaay too grabbie!
In retrospect: I was really proud of myself for going to a place deliberately outside of my current comfort zone (with the whole not wanting human contact) but shrink pretty far by the time the 5th guy had come up to put his arm around me. I think for the fantastic move forward, it will be an extremely long time before I expose myself to that type of meat market atmosphere. Positives from the experience:

1. Actually left the house on my own impetus

2. That I went to my least favorite kind of place

3. Allowed a huge amount of contact before having to leave that place.

Baby steps, but steps nevertheless

Sunday:
Had the house to myself again for most of the day; and in a repeat of the day before, slept in and hung out in bed. Had an insane dream about ritualistic murders and blame falling asleep the night before with the True Crimes channel on. Definitely not a mistake I’m likely to make again.

Cleaned house, hung out with Sarah, David and Bella in the evening and watched more bad Christmas movies (I know, I know I need to step away from the overly sentimental sap…)

Plans this week:
- Playing pool with 3 of my absolute favorite engineers who are coming into town for a testing event I am hosting. I only get to see them at our meetings (3 times a year) so it will be fun catching up for during this bonus trip.
- Holiday Office Party – Friday night will be the office holiday party at this pretty great venue. I am most looking forward to the Air guitar competition that seems to happen every year when certain unnamed attendees get a little too much alcohol.
- Diesels last days have begun and the sadness countdown has started…. Sniffle

Overall Outlook: Feeling pretty good, so I am really really hopeful that I won’t be confined to bed at all this week (Fingers crossed)

Niiiiiiiiiiiice

So today I was chatting with Diesel via IM and kept using the term “Nice”, which in IM translates to exactly what is typed but in my head, was said like this “…..Niiiiiiiiice”. After about the third time of my internal monologue saying Nice in such an odd way, I started thinking: where have I heard it said like this? The Answer – South Park. I saw this episode a few weeks ago once and its influence seeped into my subconscious where it has only today surfaced.


I now live in fear of the moment when there is nothing left in my brain that doesn’t link to something I saw on TV….Niiiiiiiiice

First Steps

If I had to summarize the last week in one word, I would use Comfort. The people around me helped give me the impetus to take some great first steps to healing my currently sad mental state.

It is in honor of those people who have circled the wagons and helped me see the forest for the trees that I write this post:

1. Ted: who would have known a year and a half ago when we broke up with the statement of “Lets be friends”, that we would actually mean it? It has not always been easy, but we have been able to really take strength in a friendship that is now going on 8 years strong. This week, you have given me fresh perspective, an ear to chat with and an astonishing degree of empathy to my pain and mistakes that I have gone through recently. How easy it would have been to take the “I told you so” route or the “HAHA my ex is having a rough time” route that most take, while you opted to provide support and helped give me renewed faith in humans.

2. Diesel: You have helped me see that it truly is better to take support and love from those who care about you. You have gone through a phenomenally rough time this week and there has been much sadness in your family. Throughout this time though, you have shown infinite patience in providing strength to your family and friends and through humor have shown that no matter what may come at me, it is nothing I can’t handle. This post in particular really helped me through some of my sadness even in light of your own.

3. Sarah: Now I know this is going to sound incredibly shallow and I hope it goes without saying that you have been a source of strength for me my whole life. But this week, the one act you did that really made a difference…was lasagna. During a period of time when I have felt horribly disconnected from the person I am/was you made a meal that reminded me of better times and family that is far away. A long day of making sauce, filling the house with the smells of Grandma Yolie took me to a place where I could remember when things were not so bad and it provided deep comfort.

4. Bella: She had a difficult weekend. Not at all unusual for a 4 year old, but we spent a lot of the weekend with her doing things that forced Sarah to put her in time-out. On Saturday night after a long weekend of no’s, Bella wanted to sit in my lap and cuddle. I was able to take real and true comfort in the arms of my baby niece who gave me the biggest hugs and kisses and snuggled deep into my arms. This was therapy that cannot be bought.

5. Trey: Who would have thought that Lyris would provide anyone comfort? After a meeting of disappointing discovers, we were able to shake it off with Uncle Yu’s and my favorite; Crispy Chicken. Not a dish I am normally permitted, but I made an exception and we passed the night with fantastic food, conversation and jokes. You reminded me that sometimes there is nothing better than avoiding the problems of the day and you helped me focus on a hope for a better work future.

6. Amanda: My cell phone in shining armor. When a freak error, caused me to be cut-off from the outside world, you didn’t hesitate to come to my rescue. Spending the rest of the evening watching my favorite shows and hanging out reminded me that while I have often stated that I “mined” this friendship from my sister and while this may be true. Amanda is a constant source of support and friendship that makes me really happy she is in my life and on my side.

So there you have it, my week in review based off the people who have truly made a difference.

I may be entering into my least favorite time of the year, but with people like these in my life, I am actually anticipating a better Holiday than I have ever had.

Make Diesel Read a Book

My friend, Diesel has decided to place forth a challenge to his blog readers/ friends to recommend a book for him to read in the next year. I would have considered him extremely well read and one of my most articulate friends to date, but looking at this List, I found several key pieces of literature missing from his reading history.

To this purpose, I would like to formally recommend that he read Homer’s Iliad and The Odyssey.

I know that (rightfully) some may argue these are two separate books and for the purpose of the contest I understand if they need to be separated to 2 different weeks, but they should be read back to back.

To explain my recommendations while trying to minimize sounding like a High School Syllabus: I will begin with a brief background; These are two epic poems which were written down sometime between 800 – 600 B.C.E. by Homer, but the stories being told are as old as 1200 B.C.E. The time lag existing primarily because prior to Homer getting this great idea to write it down, these stories were given orally by the Rhapsodoi (traveling poets) who performed all over Greece. They sang. They danced. They were easily the best thing to happen to the Greeks since fire.

These stories (some of the oldest known text in the world) prove that there really is no such thing as an original idea and that human nature has changed very little in all this time. The Iliad’s central focus is on War and The Odyssey on the trials of trying to just get home and how revenge truly is a strong motivating factor.

Still not sold, Diesel? Let me break it down in a handy dandy Pros/Cons list

Pros:
1. These are two of the oldest texts existing in human history.

2. Bragging rights of having read two of the most important works in Greek history helping to further promote the current cultivated attitude of being better than all around.

Example;
Random Co-Worker: “Diesel, why did you set that database up specifically to the requirements we asked of you? Didn’t you know that we would ultimately change our mind and blame you for it?”
D: “Have you read Homer?”
RCW: “What?”
D: “Have you read Homer??”
RCW: “Can’t say that I have”
D: OHHHHHH that explains why you’re in here asking me asinine questions. Why don’t you come back when you have progressed past being functionally illiterate Be-Atch”

3. This work has been translated by such stars as: Alexander Pope, Samuel Butler, T.E. Shaw and Walter Shewring

4. Everyone else has; What you think you’re too good for us?

5. Kick ass stories about heroes, great battles, hot chicks, deception, lies, honor and tradition. It has a little something for everyone on your Christmas list.

6. Available for free on the web in about 800 places, but my favorite service for this text is Here

Cons:
1. These are called epic poems...could result in a fear of long prose in places like bad hallmark cards and anything on the Lifetime channel. Oh wait, you already have that fear… no danger here.

2. You have a sudden startling revelation that these books are simple too manly for you to handle.

Diesel, I’ve risen to the challenge of blogging for you my recommendation; I hope you are strong enough to accept the challenge.

To all others reading this post, I recommend taking a visit to Mattress Police as this is my favorite place. Diesel blogs regularly and more importantly always has something either thought provoking or funny to write. You can also recommend a book for him to read to help keep him rolling in things to do once he has abandoned his post as my favorite co-worker in a few weeks time.

Does everyone have a price?

I had a discussion tonight with Sarah and David regarding the cost it would take to do something that would otherwise be objectionable to them. We started with small things and worked our way up to the most heinous of events to determine if a price could be had.
This conversation was powerfully driven by my belief that once you establish even one circumstance in which you would willingly commit an act previously thought of as reprehensible as trade for something you desire, you have immediately established that you are for sale, and all that happens after that point is simply haggling.

I believe this because one of the greatest things about humans is our inner spirit and drive. Some people are motivated by the prospect of riches, others for security, some for love and others for charity. But when you break us down to what keeps us going on the day to day, sooner or later you discover the inner core of motivation. Once someone understands your motivation it seems to me it is only a matter of time and options before your motivating factor has you buckling under the pressure.

Small Quiz for the readers:

1. Would you perform oral sex on a stranger for 1 million dollars? Y/N

2. Would you perform oral sex on a stranger for 1 billion dollars? Y/N

3. Would you end a relationship with a loved one to save their life? Y/N

4. Would you cheat on your spouse/significant other to save 100 small babies from being tortured before being brutally killed? Y/N

If you said yes to any of the questions above, you have proved my point.

For some the first three questions were easy ones with a Yes or No answer springing readily to mind. The last one is significantly tougher in my opinion, because by one act of betrayal which could potentially be forgiven, you would be saving the lives of innocents who cannot protect themselves. Your sacrifice or loss would benefit so many more people and it makes you a part of a bad act done for extremely good reasons.

BTW – If anyone found it easy to say NO to all four questions above, please comment and let me know why you could walk away, I’d love to know.