Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy…
What have I learned in 2006?
In a single phrase; NOTHING in this world that’s worth having comes easy.
Be it the dream job that feels more like playing then working, the body that makes you proud to walk around in a swimsuit at the beach or the relationship that completes you as you find the soulmate you have been searching for. These things will never be easy as I think you had to have earned enough karmic cash before going to the register with any of these types of purchases.
On Friday night, we had our annual Holiday party for the office complete with the way too free flowing alcohol and music that makes you cringe outwardly. It was a lot of fun and I admit to being one of those that imbibed in mass quantities of the sauce. I had attended the evening with one idea in mind: I was going to have fun: I would eat, drink and be merry and worry about any consequences on Monday. Luckily the worst I will potentially have to face on Monday will be jokes about being slightly off-balanced on the dance floor.
It was in this evening, as I looked around at the 45 or so people in the room, I realized that I have grown to love this highly dysfunctional family and their part in my life. I may complain about the daily toils of my job or the many injustices that get thrown out at the staff on a regular basis, but overall I work for a company that I know well and am comfortable being myself with. In that group, almost all know about my illness and have been supportive and accepting. I may not always agree with them all, but at the end of the day, I work with a good group of human beings.
I know this job will never feel like playing to me, but some of my closest and dearest friends are right there with me and when the days are bad we all chip in to ease the load of one another and when the days are good, we cut out to get a drink and enjoy the relaxation that comes after a job well done.
I have also realized that I am no longer able to look at my physical imperfections with a critical eye, because this year has taught me to love my body for what it does for me and to take care of it so it can continue my existence a little longer. Food when I am able to keep it down is a pleasure and joy and more than just the caloric guilt it used to be. Exercise is now for the pleasure of feeling my body stretch and move in positive ways and is a triumph, a symbol of overcoming my weakness, it will never again be the punishment inflicted on myself for the simple fact of trying to live up to a “Cosmo” standard.
When the sun comes back to us here, I will be the first one out by the pool in a bikini allowing the sun to warm my body and my bones and remind me for one more year that everyday the sun shines, is one more day to be thankful. Never again will I sit in the shade of sickness covered up out of fear of what others think of me, the time to worry about what others may think of me has passed and it is time to come into myself. Living for myself only and not for the approval of others who are probably weighed down in just as much insecurity and doubt of their own bodies as I once was.
Finally, I am at peace with my single status. I have slowed down significantly and am no longer in any rush to be “coupled”, this state brings complications that I cannot afford. I guess I could lie and say I am open to a relationship at this point and am just looking for the right guy, but the truth is; I’m not. I have zero interest in dating or men or any of the complications that come with putting yourself into a situation where “other people’s problems” become yours as you and he become one.
I really needed a break from the scene of dating and of feeling guilty for not being able to love more. After a certain amount of time with a person, you may love their laugh or the cute thing they do with their eyes, or their kindness or consideration, but there comes a point where they start looking for you to love them completely. Once you reach that stage, you either cut lose or take it to the next level. Sometimes you pretend so the relationship can go to the next level because you’re not ready to cut lose.
The fine writing on this decision is; Guess what? When you love someone you know it pretty immediately and all you are doing at that crossroads point is waiting for the moment to feel right to confess your feelings. If you decide to pretend to avoid the break-up and buy yourself more time…all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. Your heart knows long before your mind ever has a chance to process and if you think for a moment that you will somehow convince your heart to go along with something, you are in for an extremely messy break-up further down the road when the other person has invested much more love and energy into the relationship.
I have had 3 significant relationships this year. The first was a disaster from the beginning and ended in a thankfully short lived mess. The second was with someone I still love to this day, but needed to break out of the cycle of bad communication and failed attempts before it destroyed everything I was trying so hard to retain during the worst of my illness. The final relationship was one in which I pretended to love him to buy myself more time to sort out my feelings and this ended in the worst type of heartbreak as I realized that it was a façade and ended it. I believe for him, the investment was made and he was not acting and so my true feelings coming to light came as a cruel betrayal and loss for all he had planned for us.
I hope I will reach a point where I am ready to try again, but with the lessons learned from this year, I know I will move slowly and deliberately and will be careful where I tread. No crossroads will ever make me hesitate or pretend to be someone I’m not as the end result is never going to be positive and only leads to more loss and heartbreak.
As my year draws to a close and I take stock of what will go down as the worst in my 28 and ½ years on this planet, as illustrated above, I see a light at the end of the tunnel: I survived a stronger person, with the scars of this year toughening me up and preparing me for the plethora of challenges I cannot even comprehend at this moment. I have a steady job that may not be perfectly right for me, but is perfectly right for me right now. I am no longer a slave to appearances as I am proud of the body that continues to give me oxygen and for a heart that continues to pump my blood and for a body that takes me where I need to go.
Finally, I have no love relationship but much love in the friend relationships I have been able to cultivate.
None of these realizations have come easily, they have all come with the heavy burden of illness and heartbreak. However coming to terms with all the burden of this year has given me enough money in my Karmic bank account to walk away from the store with the purchase of peace.
My hope is that for others they don’t have to lose as much or go through so much pain to reach the same core sense of self that I have finally reached.
In a single phrase; NOTHING in this world that’s worth having comes easy.
Be it the dream job that feels more like playing then working, the body that makes you proud to walk around in a swimsuit at the beach or the relationship that completes you as you find the soulmate you have been searching for. These things will never be easy as I think you had to have earned enough karmic cash before going to the register with any of these types of purchases.
On Friday night, we had our annual Holiday party for the office complete with the way too free flowing alcohol and music that makes you cringe outwardly. It was a lot of fun and I admit to being one of those that imbibed in mass quantities of the sauce. I had attended the evening with one idea in mind: I was going to have fun: I would eat, drink and be merry and worry about any consequences on Monday. Luckily the worst I will potentially have to face on Monday will be jokes about being slightly off-balanced on the dance floor.
It was in this evening, as I looked around at the 45 or so people in the room, I realized that I have grown to love this highly dysfunctional family and their part in my life. I may complain about the daily toils of my job or the many injustices that get thrown out at the staff on a regular basis, but overall I work for a company that I know well and am comfortable being myself with. In that group, almost all know about my illness and have been supportive and accepting. I may not always agree with them all, but at the end of the day, I work with a good group of human beings.
I know this job will never feel like playing to me, but some of my closest and dearest friends are right there with me and when the days are bad we all chip in to ease the load of one another and when the days are good, we cut out to get a drink and enjoy the relaxation that comes after a job well done.
I have also realized that I am no longer able to look at my physical imperfections with a critical eye, because this year has taught me to love my body for what it does for me and to take care of it so it can continue my existence a little longer. Food when I am able to keep it down is a pleasure and joy and more than just the caloric guilt it used to be. Exercise is now for the pleasure of feeling my body stretch and move in positive ways and is a triumph, a symbol of overcoming my weakness, it will never again be the punishment inflicted on myself for the simple fact of trying to live up to a “Cosmo” standard.
When the sun comes back to us here, I will be the first one out by the pool in a bikini allowing the sun to warm my body and my bones and remind me for one more year that everyday the sun shines, is one more day to be thankful. Never again will I sit in the shade of sickness covered up out of fear of what others think of me, the time to worry about what others may think of me has passed and it is time to come into myself. Living for myself only and not for the approval of others who are probably weighed down in just as much insecurity and doubt of their own bodies as I once was.
Finally, I am at peace with my single status. I have slowed down significantly and am no longer in any rush to be “coupled”, this state brings complications that I cannot afford. I guess I could lie and say I am open to a relationship at this point and am just looking for the right guy, but the truth is; I’m not. I have zero interest in dating or men or any of the complications that come with putting yourself into a situation where “other people’s problems” become yours as you and he become one.
I really needed a break from the scene of dating and of feeling guilty for not being able to love more. After a certain amount of time with a person, you may love their laugh or the cute thing they do with their eyes, or their kindness or consideration, but there comes a point where they start looking for you to love them completely. Once you reach that stage, you either cut lose or take it to the next level. Sometimes you pretend so the relationship can go to the next level because you’re not ready to cut lose.
The fine writing on this decision is; Guess what? When you love someone you know it pretty immediately and all you are doing at that crossroads point is waiting for the moment to feel right to confess your feelings. If you decide to pretend to avoid the break-up and buy yourself more time…all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. Your heart knows long before your mind ever has a chance to process and if you think for a moment that you will somehow convince your heart to go along with something, you are in for an extremely messy break-up further down the road when the other person has invested much more love and energy into the relationship.
I have had 3 significant relationships this year. The first was a disaster from the beginning and ended in a thankfully short lived mess. The second was with someone I still love to this day, but needed to break out of the cycle of bad communication and failed attempts before it destroyed everything I was trying so hard to retain during the worst of my illness. The final relationship was one in which I pretended to love him to buy myself more time to sort out my feelings and this ended in the worst type of heartbreak as I realized that it was a façade and ended it. I believe for him, the investment was made and he was not acting and so my true feelings coming to light came as a cruel betrayal and loss for all he had planned for us.
I hope I will reach a point where I am ready to try again, but with the lessons learned from this year, I know I will move slowly and deliberately and will be careful where I tread. No crossroads will ever make me hesitate or pretend to be someone I’m not as the end result is never going to be positive and only leads to more loss and heartbreak.
As my year draws to a close and I take stock of what will go down as the worst in my 28 and ½ years on this planet, as illustrated above, I see a light at the end of the tunnel: I survived a stronger person, with the scars of this year toughening me up and preparing me for the plethora of challenges I cannot even comprehend at this moment. I have a steady job that may not be perfectly right for me, but is perfectly right for me right now. I am no longer a slave to appearances as I am proud of the body that continues to give me oxygen and for a heart that continues to pump my blood and for a body that takes me where I need to go.
Finally, I have no love relationship but much love in the friend relationships I have been able to cultivate.
None of these realizations have come easily, they have all come with the heavy burden of illness and heartbreak. However coming to terms with all the burden of this year has given me enough money in my Karmic bank account to walk away from the store with the purchase of peace.
My hope is that for others they don’t have to lose as much or go through so much pain to reach the same core sense of self that I have finally reached.
posted by Jennifer at 5:49 AM
1 Comments:
Your description of your co-workers is so heart-warming that you make me almost want to go back to work there. And maybe crush my ankle with a sledgehammer. And contract an incurable disease.
Almost.
;)
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