WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD!!

So spent a lot of time in bed yesterday and was privileged enough to watch television without the benefit of my DVR…so lucky me got to see lots of commercials (here is the insert of dripping sarcasm.) Now those who know me happen to know that I love both movies and have a passion for true crime and more specifically, serial killers…no you freaks not that kind of passion…jeez….just meant a passion for the study of the minds of serials killers. So imagine my surprise when I saw this preview:

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Now I was extremely intrigued. A serial killer that has claimed 300 victims? Given my in-depth research on the subject of serial killers, I have never, ever come across this study. It sent a wave of excitement coursing through my veins. I had a vision of rededicating my master’s thesis to this profiling opportunity and to say that I was excited about seeing this movie would be a gross understatement. Now after about the 10th run of this preview, I found my curiosity got the best of me (overpowering my extreme will to not do anything) and I decided to do some research before going to the movie and this is what I discovered…

It is a fucking CROCODILE!!

You heard right a crocodile. Now I was filled with impotent rage and started trashing my hotel room up like I was a drunken member of a rock band being told there were no more groupies in the hallway. Screaming the whole time “You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!?!?!”

If you want to ignore the blatant abuse of a term that can only ever be applied to humans in some lame attempt of personification anthropomorphism or the fact that the producers of this piece of crap needlessly and cruelly marketed what is in essence a Crocodile Hunters wet dream (Steve may you rest in peace) and will subject the rest of the world to this Kujo wannabe, Jaw’s inspired, Anaconda loving drivel of a movie which in the end will produce a cliff hanger leaving us open for the only thing worse then this horrendous effort and that is a sequel.

Sorry folks, I really really had to get that off my chest and I do apologize for my more sensitive readers for dropping the F-Bomb twice, but I could think of no other way to fully explain how much this seared my faith in ever seeing a good movie again.