What is YOUR biggest fear?

So in the last month I admit to avoiding human contact.. I go to work, I do my job, I interact when required, but physically I have not wanted any contact. I think this is partially out of intense aphenphosmphobia brought on by my illness. For some reason if people touch me I have to worry about whatever disease they could potential be carrying which does not bode well for me entering into this winter healthy, the second reason I avoid touch is because of a bad side effect to my disease: my skin aches and when people touch me it hurts. So this avoidance seems grounded in some form of logic and reason. But does not come without its own frosty side effect which is; because of this avoidance I have started avoiding situations were touching may occur. So forget about dating – completely out of the picture, but also forget about concerts, social get together’s with friends, sitting in a car with an acquaintance. This month my most used phrase has to be “Oh no, I insist, after you.”

Countless studies have been done on primates and human infants who are touched deprived. Even for small amounts of time, the loss of touch results in dramatic consequences, setting in motion the inability for the infant to explore the world, they are more withdrawn, passive; eat inadequate amounts and exhibit patterns of severe depression for the rest of their life.

SO armed with the knowledge of those past studies, I have to wonder – what does this mean for me? I know enough to know that prolonged avoidance to human contact leads to more avoidance in the future and is a self perpetuating cycle. I fear/loathe touch right now but by the time at a point where it may be tolerable will I be able to move past the feelings of isolation to reach out to the people around me? By the end of December will I have any friends left? What about the viability of future relationships?

These are tough questions for me to answer right now and I fear that before I have figured it out I may be completely alone.

Movie Review #1

Last night my sister and I went to see The Fountain a movie whose director is best known for directing Requiem for a Dream. It stars Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz who together circle questions regarding life, death, love and spirituality.

This movie was a story of a doctor (Jackman) who is trying desperately to find a cure to a brain tumor his wife has. During his anguished quest for a cure using bark from a tree discovered, his wife (Weisz) has written a fictional story of a conquistador on a mission to find the Tree of Life for his queen whose life is being threatened by inquisitors of the Church (a parallel to her perception of her husbands struggle.) In addition to these two plots there is a third story line set at some point in the future where Jackman’s character is evolved into some kind of spiritual astronaut traveling with the tree of life (which takes on the same focus in his life as his wife and queen in the previous stories.) The tree is dying and he is trying desperately to get it to the center of a dying star so it can be reborn at the moment that the star dies.

To say this was a good movie is not quite right. But I also cannot call it bad. I think the final product is probably not what Darren Aronofsky had in mind and what we got as an audience was cut/edited in a way that left me feeling slightly off balance and spending more time than I should have trying to connect the synapses in my brain to comprehend what the heck was going on. On the plus side; it was beautifully laid out and artfully directed. I feel the performances were absolutely incredibly as Jackman was the epitome of struggle and devotion and Weisz represented love and the fragility of life. Both tuned into the core of who these people were/are and the result was stunning.

Overall I give “The Fountain” 3 stars (on a scale of 5) as it is not a movie for the masses but for a more segmented group of the population. If you are looking for a simple love story/science fiction odyssey I say walk away. If, however, you are willing to watch a movie that has an interesting if at times convoluted plot, is thought provoking and is beautifully directed. Understanding that you will leave pondering what you just saw than by all means; this movie is for you.

Time for a new job

So my company required that we all take a DiSC Survey. For those not in the know this is: a personality behavioral profile system based on the work of William Marston, a psychologist. It's a bit like Myers Briggs-- and based on the survey you take it quantitatively characterizes your scores in each of 4 areas- Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness.-- all related to work, not general life.

So being the good employee I try to be, I completed this survey and discovered that I am strong in Conscientiousness and have a perfectionist profile; which means I like to be accurate and orderly, that I need clearly defined performance expectations and seek a stable environment in which to work.

Not a big surprise. However, in the job I currently hold, my job is not clearly defined, I answer to 5 different bosses with no rhyme or reason which makes it impossible to provide extraordinary results because no matter what work I do they will always seek more. In addition the company experiences a high level of “quitties” this is a term I coined for people who join the staff thinking they can accomplish change and they do for about 2 months, than the reality sets in, the honeymoon is over and they get so much push back they are no longer able to effect any change. This results in half finished processes and procedures and an overall malaise of the employees; in the end they leave to find greener pastures.

I think it is time for my search of greener pastures; I am underpaid, overworked and underappreciated. This survey confirmed for me what I have known for a long time: This company is not a right fit.

Thanks DiSC survey…

“In every parting there comes a time when our beloved has already gone from us.”

I send this article out for M, who needs a little help dealing with heartbreak right now.

WTF Moment of the Week

There are no words to convey how extremely creeped out I am by this:


Rudy Giuliani In Drag - video powered by Metacafe

Ever have one of those days...

Where everything goes wrong and you are ready to climb a mountain and channel a Tibetan monk rather than deal with the list of action items waiting for you?

Well today is that day for me! I am living out the Worst-Case Scenarios for the Office all in one day...



Isn't every moment in an office akin to a horror movie, or is it just me.

Long Time No Post…

To try and write down what has happened to me in the last 2 months seems an almost incomprehensible task. So in the interest of self preservation I won’t even attempt it. That’s not to say I have blocked out these 2 months completely, never to be mentioned again, but I understand that my capacity to update is lacking and as such I must do what I can.
Below is a short list of these last two months taken on a week by week basis

Sep 17- 24 – Worked, watched TV, got sick, slept. Highlight: Weird Al video for Polkarama came out


Sep 25 – Oct. 1 – Worked harder, packed, stayed sick, slept. Highlight:


Oct 2 – 8 – Portland, Oregon reviewing process and procedures in the Intel Labs (translation – Worked in a place where it rains more). Highlight: Favorite Daily Show Moment of All Time


Oct 9 – 15 – Beijing, China business meeting. Summary: Flew 5940 miles to sit in stuffy meeting rooms day after day. Highlight was the Great Wall and The Temple of Heaven*

*Actual Images to come once I finish downloading all my pictures.

Oct 16 – 22 – Recovered from extremely long trip, was sick, broke up with my man, slept. Highlight*: Catching up on all episodes of Supernatural, Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls . While taking a few days off to recover from China.

*No need to comment, I understand I am the bitch of the CW.

Oct 23 – 29 – Mom in town, worked, watched TV, still sick, slept. Highlight: TGIFriday’s for two meals in the same week as well as this discovery that the Borat actor (better known in his Ali G persona) is actually incredibly hot
Look Here!

Oct 30 – Nov 5 - Depression at its peak, took much needed time off to recover from being sick, lots of Doctor’s visits. Highlight: discovered a horribly addictive game called Cake Mania and was given food for thought in the following Mullet Public Service Announcement.

So there you have it, my life the last 2 months. I am looking forward to having much more interesting things to write in the coming days as I have all my trip images uploaded.

Till Then….Your moment of Zen:
The Smiley Intervention