So Hollow…

Today I am mourning again for the dissolution of a relationship where I was not the best person I could be, he was not the best person he could be, but I loved him anyway. I was recently contacted by Barry and while the anger is gone, talking to him on the phone was like a sharp knife being stabbed deep into my core being. In this last month I have been devoid of emotional responses as I attempted to cauterize the pain of losing someone so close to me.

I have dated and laughed and conducted business as usual, but at the same time entered an almost manic level of shutting off any feelings I had for this person (and in the process feelings for everyone else has been blocked as well).

So today I am again going through the pain of fresh loss as hearing his voice and reading his words reopened the wound and I now feel like my life energy is pouring out of me in copious amounts.

At the same time I am entering into a new and beautiful relationship with myself and with a really wonderful man. He is like a soothing balm on my battered soul and for the loss I feel right now I also feel like I am coming into myself and am strengthened by the desire to enter into this new situation whole. So here I am…mourning yet recognizing that this is a necessary time to experience.

My friend Jen gave me this song and it struck such a chord in me that it is my official “song of this week”

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

-James Blunt