Can Long Distance Relationships Work?
Relationships are defined as the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate.
If you live in another state or country from someone you are seeking a ROMANTIC relationship with, are you basically doomed to failure?
I have ended a long term, long distance relationship with a good man that I had grown to love as a friend and not a boyfriend. Of course one could argue that I was really ending the relationship when I opted to move to California and I left him in Arizona. But alas we lasted for almost 2 years after I moved, in this stasis of pretending that phone conversations were all that was needed in order to keep the romantic flame burning. The problem with that is you cannot snuggle up to words, you do not go to dinner with words and you cannot share a bottle of wine with words. Words do not hold your hand as you cross the street or tickle you until you scream. Words cannot kiss you or hold you or stroke your hair… they are just words.
In my situation, although I lived a short 12 hour car drive away (2.5 hour plane trip), we only saw each other 4 times a year. We subsisted off conversation alone and that is what made my once strong feelings of love turn to something much more innocent and platonic. If you had asked me (up until last night) why we failed I would have stated with absolute certainty that distance killed the relationship! This morning I believe it was something else.
To explain my change of heart I must disclose a bit of personal information: I have been seeing a new man for the last month that happens to live in Ireland. I feel very strongly for this man and have been a bit obsessive about trying not to plan for a future that seems uncertain but at the same time have desired this person in a way unparalleled to anything I have ever experienced before. I have since the very moment I met him been walking a fine line of absolute certainty that I could spend the rest of my life with him with the knowledge that if I am so certain of him now, I can afford to wait and give the relationship time to mature.
Last night while talking to him on the phone (entering into hour 4 of our conversation) I have a sudden epiphany: Distance is not what kills a relationship. Unwillingness to get over the distance is what kills a relationship! I know, I know this may seem simple to some but it was a bolt of lightening for me. I mean I was sitting there on the phone desperately wishing that I could be near him and I realized that just by the fervent desire I have to keep him physically close to me, I was in a way, overcoming the geographical separation. I mean the words he was sharing with me would in no way compare to being with him but at the same time because I was taking his words into my heart, they soothed my sadness of our separation.
His words gave me his history, his beliefs, his humor and his future. They also gave me the strength to understand that while we are in a long distance relationship now, this is a temporary situation. As he so wisely advised when I asked him a while ago how our story would end, “Well Jennifer, there are only two ways this relationship can end…either happily ever after, or we end up in gut wrenching agony and misery.” For some reason that very pragmatic analysis of a situation that has been out of my control comforted me and made me realize that this is the way all situations end.
So I guess if you had to ask me today if all long distance romantic relationships are doomed to failure, I would have to say not any more so than a relationship with someone who lives right next door. In the end it all comes down to intent and desire. You can make any situation work if you truly want to and the chance of success or failure lies in being honest with yourself and with your desire to make the situation manageable.
If you live in another state or country from someone you are seeking a ROMANTIC relationship with, are you basically doomed to failure?
I have ended a long term, long distance relationship with a good man that I had grown to love as a friend and not a boyfriend. Of course one could argue that I was really ending the relationship when I opted to move to California and I left him in Arizona. But alas we lasted for almost 2 years after I moved, in this stasis of pretending that phone conversations were all that was needed in order to keep the romantic flame burning. The problem with that is you cannot snuggle up to words, you do not go to dinner with words and you cannot share a bottle of wine with words. Words do not hold your hand as you cross the street or tickle you until you scream. Words cannot kiss you or hold you or stroke your hair… they are just words.
In my situation, although I lived a short 12 hour car drive away (2.5 hour plane trip), we only saw each other 4 times a year. We subsisted off conversation alone and that is what made my once strong feelings of love turn to something much more innocent and platonic. If you had asked me (up until last night) why we failed I would have stated with absolute certainty that distance killed the relationship! This morning I believe it was something else.
To explain my change of heart I must disclose a bit of personal information: I have been seeing a new man for the last month that happens to live in Ireland. I feel very strongly for this man and have been a bit obsessive about trying not to plan for a future that seems uncertain but at the same time have desired this person in a way unparalleled to anything I have ever experienced before. I have since the very moment I met him been walking a fine line of absolute certainty that I could spend the rest of my life with him with the knowledge that if I am so certain of him now, I can afford to wait and give the relationship time to mature.
Last night while talking to him on the phone (entering into hour 4 of our conversation) I have a sudden epiphany: Distance is not what kills a relationship. Unwillingness to get over the distance is what kills a relationship! I know, I know this may seem simple to some but it was a bolt of lightening for me. I mean I was sitting there on the phone desperately wishing that I could be near him and I realized that just by the fervent desire I have to keep him physically close to me, I was in a way, overcoming the geographical separation. I mean the words he was sharing with me would in no way compare to being with him but at the same time because I was taking his words into my heart, they soothed my sadness of our separation.
His words gave me his history, his beliefs, his humor and his future. They also gave me the strength to understand that while we are in a long distance relationship now, this is a temporary situation. As he so wisely advised when I asked him a while ago how our story would end, “Well Jennifer, there are only two ways this relationship can end…either happily ever after, or we end up in gut wrenching agony and misery.” For some reason that very pragmatic analysis of a situation that has been out of my control comforted me and made me realize that this is the way all situations end.
So I guess if you had to ask me today if all long distance romantic relationships are doomed to failure, I would have to say not any more so than a relationship with someone who lives right next door. In the end it all comes down to intent and desire. You can make any situation work if you truly want to and the chance of success or failure lies in being honest with yourself and with your desire to make the situation manageable.
posted by Jennifer at 11:36 PM
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