Exit Stage Left

Having a Bad Day

2007-10-10T20:42:00.001-07:00

You know you're having a bad day when the song "Waiting for the Worms" is comforting....

Tuesday Shout Out

2007-10-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

T.P. - Hang in There !!

All My Temple Love
J.B.

Day 26 ~ I can fight the truth no longer.

2007-09-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

67 days after the epiphany that changed the course of my life far far away from the Emerald Isles and 22 days after I said goodbye forever, letting go of the hope (that he insisted) I perpetuate until the moment that he decided he didn’t want that life any more and I’m finally hitting the point of no return. I knew the time would come when I’d finally remember everything that was so wrong and try to regain everything about myself that was right.

I’m not fully there yet but I’m going to take each of the remaining 104 days, 25 minutes remaining of this current health and life experiment to heal and to refine the person that I am. At the end of this time, I am going to cast aside the shell I’ve now built to protect my core. I will celebrate and will begin my new life standing on the deck of the San Francisco Belle watching fireworks, drinking champagne and silently toasting the arrival of 2008 and the start of my new life.

It is in this spirit that I purge the last remnants’ of grief from my soul (with the assistance of Mika):

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, no love, no glory,
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love [repeat]

I feel as if I feel as if I'm wastin'
And I'm wastin' everyday
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Be weary of people who promise they can change….

2007-09-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I will admit to being weary of trusting the words of any person promising they can change. My bitter thought (which has yet to be proven wrong) is; people cannot change what’s in their core.
They may sometimes recoat it to be more appealing, but the person they are deep on the inside doesn’t alter or change no matter what kind of metamorphosis they may think they’ve undergone.

Of course I reserve the right to change my mind later… ;)

My Master List

2007-03-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

Things I want to do before I die:

1. Skydive
2. Fly a plane
3. Knit a scarf
4. Get SCUBA certified
5. Belly Dance
6. Write a book
7. Live and love with one other person
8. Collect 8 phone numbers in one night – just to say I did
9. See Yosemite, hike and camp there
10. See the Northern Lights
11. Sleep on a beach in Fiji
12. Write a song
13. Finish my masters degree
14. Speak Japanese
15. Go back to Paris with the man I love
16. Golf an 18 course
17. See Mt. Rushmore
18. Take a cruise
19. Go to Hawaii
20. Have a Garden
21. Own a house
22. Have a Child
23. Be a Royal Matron
24. Live in a small city
25. Design a website from scratch
26. buy an impractical yet beautiful perfume
27. develop all rolls of film I have
28. Create beautiful Photo albums
29. Own a convertible
30. Take two more years of sign language
31. Work in a job I love
32. Focus on quality not quantity in all aspects of my life
33. Get Bridal Consultant certificate
34. Wear a bikini with confidence
35. Walk a Marathon
36. Write a letter to an Editor that gets published
37. Be actively involved in a Political campaign
38. Teach a class for one day
39. Drive a car cross-country
40. Body paint
41. Get a professional portrait done
42. Orchestrate a city-wide scavenger hunt
43. Throw a party for more then 50 people
44. Speak Italian fluently
45. Read the 50 greatest books written
46. Watch the 50 greatest movies
47. Learn needlepoint
48. Paint a picture
49. Learn the mechanics of a toaster
50. Study all presidents and vice presidents of our country
51. Organize a charity event
52. See Japan
53. Get PM certified
54. Live internationally for at least 1 year
55. Visit Russia
56. Sail a boat
57. See all of the Smithsonian
58. Save a life
59. Read all religious texts – dead sea scrolls, Koran, etc…
60. Make a haunted house
61. Stay in a real haunted house
62. Learn to play a song on the piano (chords and all)
63. Play Guitar (specifically be able to play Pink Floyd)
64. Get married
65. Get Pilots license
66. Live by water
67. Learn how to ballroom dance
68. Attend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
69. Visit Netherland
70. Pray with a Tibetan Monk
71. Visit Graceland
72. watch a cricket match with someone who knows what’s going on
73. Travel on the Orient Express
74. Take a hot air balloon ride
75. Learn how to Horseback ride
76. Visit the Pyramids
77. Be first aid certified
78. Visit Machu Picchu
79. See India
80. Resolve issues with Father
81. Minimize material objects in life
82. Appear in a film as an extra
83. Meet Richard Bach
84. Learn a Martial Art
85. Watch the launch of a space shuttle
86. Brew my own beer or make my own port
87. Be a member of the audience on a TV show
88. Go to Walden Pond and read Thoreau while drifting in a canoe.
89. Spend New Years in an exotic location
90. Visit the Holy Land
91. Kiss the Blarney Stone
92. Visit Iceland
93. Visit the ruins of Pompeii
94. Experience weightlessness
95. Write a movie script.
96. Attend a film festival or award show
97. Learn origami.
98. Attend the Olympics
99. See Angkor Wat in Cambodia
100. Meet a musician who’s music has moved me
101. Visit/Walk on the Great wall of China
102. Visit the Acropolis
103. Go to the Oscars
104. Attend the Grammies
105. Watch whales migrate
106. Dive the Great Barrier Reef
107. Be serenaded by a Venetian gondolier
108. Walk down Abbey Road
109. Read a novel in a foreign language (Other then the Iliad and Odyssey I read in Greek in College)
110. Start a fun holiday that catches on (Ala Inappropriate Card Day)
111. Pay a visit to the Bristol Observatory and look through the Camera Obscura.
112. Surf
113. Make a movie (short or long)

Happy Inappropriate Card Day Everyone!!!

2007-02-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

When you care enough to send someone a messed up card...

My very favorite blogger and programmer in the whole wide world Diesel started a special little holiday otherwise known as “Inappropriate Card Day.”

This being my Third year celebrating and given the fact that this holiday now ranks way above Arbor Day on my list of days to toast, I thought I would contribute to it's existence by telling everyone I know.

For those of you interested in the details of what this is specifically and why it exists, please go to the History of this event.

To get into the spirit of this auspicious holiday, I am showing below a sample of just a few of the cards I sent to family and friends today...

This was sent to Diesel:

This one sent to my sister:

My sister sent me in return a Lesbian Kitty porn video card which needless to say I will not be posting (I do not wish to offend) but if you are interested in cards of that nature, please feel free to visit the website where she generated the card from: http://www.gogaycards.com/.

There are still 8+ hours left of this fantastic holiday, so send your card to someone special today!

"Hang Me Out to Dry"

2007-02-24T23:32:00.001-08:00

After the familial fallout associated with one of my previous posts, I had all but walked away from this blog. I felt violated in this, the one place, I thought I could really express my true thoughts on life. I was using this as an online journal of thoughts which were primarily reserved for people who cared about me. It never occurred to me that people who had zero interest in me as a person in real life would read my blogs. It just didn’t make sense and therefore I had no way to prepare myself for the eventuality that occurred; which was I wrote something that didn’t sit well with people who unfortunately felt the need to rain a storm of accusation and recrimination on my shoulders.
This outburst made me sick and I felt trapped by the loss of this once beloved place. In this absence and in my illness, I chose to shut down all writing and avoided contact with most people.

One month ago today, I was preparing to delete every post I had ever written and wash my hands of this whole experience. Prudence begged that I needed to not be so impetuous, I needed to stop, walk away, give myself time to figure out if I could allow enough time to pass where I would feel safe and confident to post again.

Today, I am still not sure. But since I went from being a fairly prolific writer to complete radio silence for the last month I used that time to make some tough decisions about what I would chose to write about if I had the chance.

So while I try to figure that out; I thought I would include the following hot video by a new band I’ve found a deep affinity for. Please enjoy:

Now for something completely different…..

2007-01-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting conversation today with Barry regarding love. The following is the epiphany that followed:
How can you tell someone you love them and not want to marry them? To not want to marry them, you are telling them they cannot trust in your love.

I gave this a lot of thought after the conversation ended and realized that while that statement, for me, is absolutely true. In society, marriage has become almost the exception to the rule as more and more people are content to “play house” and never take the leap of faith necessary to legally bind them to another.

SO why is that? What happened? Why the sudden gun shy response to a time honored tradition? Could it be because people are just not falling in love any more? Could it be because people are just more cynical? Is it laziness?
I personally think it is because subconsciously most people who refuse to get married are simply waiting for something better to come along and don’t want to be obligated to Mr. or Miss. Right Now while still looking for Mr. or Miss Right. To put it in sports terms, it’s like playing catch while waiting for a “real game” to start. Sure the game of catch is fun, but you know it’s just the warm up before getting out there on the field.

By never actually going through the steps of sanctifying the union you are allowing yourself a guilt free escape clause when it doesn’t work out.
I cannot begin to mention the number of times I have had friends that were in a “committed” relationship with a man that simply “doesn’t believe in marriage” only for the relationship to end and for my girl friend to discover he is shortly thereafter engaged or married. From there comes that hard lesson: It wasn’t that he didn’t believe in marriage, it was he didn’t believe in marriage to her. For the record, this scenario also seems to be a popular one on the Lifetime channel (Diesel’s favorite ;)) and Sex and the City.

For this musing, I do find it necessary to state for the record that I am the first girl in the world to believe that you should always rent with the option to buy (i.e. I fully intend to live with a person before marrying them.) But know that I will not do so indefinitely, as living together will be a rest stop and not my final destination.

Moment of Peace and Optimism

2007-01-18T23:45:00.000-08:00

I am happy. It has taken me a while to get to that point, but I am happy and at peace.

Today, I woke up feeling not so well; yet another day in a long line of days that are consumed by illness. I had that moment of panic and fear that I wouldn’t feel well enough to be moving for the day and then a strange thing happened. The anxiety faded and I found myself smiling. I realized that I was happy.

I have found peace with my illness, peace with my past, peace with all those little things that can make a person crazy if they focus on it too much. I can actually start to mark the moments of my day past the pain and uncertainty. I am looking to my future. A future that I have faith is full of love and life and family and friends and all the things that make life worth living.
I have good role models surrounding me and a solid belief in whom and what I want. I am enjoying the taste of breathing and eating and laughing.

Thank you to all who have been a constant source of support for me. I couldn’t have done it without you.

WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD!!

2007-01-08T01:31:00.000-08:00

So spent a lot of time in bed yesterday and was privileged enough to watch television without the benefit of my DVR…so lucky me got to see lots of commercials (here is the insert of dripping sarcasm.) Now those who know me happen to know that I love both movies and have a passion for true crime and more specifically, serial killers…no you freaks not that kind of passion…jeez….just meant a passion for the study of the minds of serials killers. So imagine my surprise when I saw this preview:

Watch More Primeval Videos

Now I was extremely intrigued. A serial killer that has claimed 300 victims? Given my in-depth research on the subject of serial killers, I have never, ever come across this study. It sent a wave of excitement coursing through my veins. I had a vision of rededicating my master’s thesis to this profiling opportunity and to say that I was excited about seeing this movie would be a gross understatement. Now after about the 10th run of this preview, I found my curiosity got the best of me (overpowering my extreme will to not do anything) and I decided to do some research before going to the movie and this is what I discovered…

It is a fucking CROCODILE!!

You heard right a crocodile. Now I was filled with impotent rage and started trashing my hotel room up like I was a drunken member of a rock band being told there were no more groupies in the hallway. Screaming the whole time “You have got to be fucking kidding me!!!?!?!”

If you want to ignore the blatant abuse of a term that can only ever be applied to humans in some lame attempt of personification anthropomorphism or the fact that the producers of this piece of crap needlessly and cruelly marketed what is in essence a Crocodile Hunters wet dream (Steve may you rest in peace) and will subject the rest of the world to this Kujo wannabe, Jaw’s inspired, Anaconda loving drivel of a movie which in the end will produce a cliff hanger leaving us open for the only thing worse then this horrendous effort and that is a sequel.

Sorry folks, I really really had to get that off my chest and I do apologize for my more sensitive readers for dropping the F-Bomb twice, but I could think of no other way to fully explain how much this seared my faith in ever seeing a good movie again.

First ever – My Spot of Shame

2007-01-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

Today I had such an awful icky experience that I decided to start a new section called “My Spot of Shame” Please consider it a homage to the gross icky come-on’s that make me want to slink under the primordial slime that the man making them leaves in their wake.

Anyway, I digress, this week shout out goes to the room service waiter named Julio.

To give you the full explanation of his yuckiness… I have traveled to Las Vegas for the annual mental mind F*&% that is otherwise known as CES. I know, I know extremely vivid description, but how else can you explain 150,000 thousand people (whose ratio is like 50:1 men to women all converging on this place at once, mix in loud tradeshow floors, loud casinos, lots of smoke and traffic which means it takes you an hour to travel ½ a mile in a car and you start to get just a small idea of how much your mind starts to shut down. Funny enough, I actually love the technology that gets shown off and really love my clients so it is easy to want to risk the congestion to come.

So I came in last night and because of my illness even that short 1 ½ trip kicked my butt. I didn’t get to bed until almost 1am and by then I was feeling pretty bad. When I woke up this morning, it became clear that if I was going to survive the week, I was going to need to loiter in my room most of the day. So around 10, I order room service for breakfast.

When the knock comes, I open the door to the waiter Julio (so sayeth his name tag)
The following is the dialogue that followed:
Julio: What’s your name?
Me: Jennifer
Julio: What a beautiful name for a beautiful women…
Me: Umm thanks
Julio: I’m sorry to disturb you, Jennifer, the beautiful girl, I need you to sign this receipt Jennifer.
Me: Ummm ok
Julio: So Jennifer are you in Vegas for Pleasure?
Me: No for business (as I start trying to usher him out the door)
Julio: No that’s no good, you must allow me to show you the pleasure (yes he said – THE pleasure)
Me: Ha Ha (uncomfortable half laugh), no thanks
Julio: Well then Jennifer, I know I look forward to lots more deliveries to your door
Me: Shuts the door in his face

Okay… most of my girlfriends will instinctively agree –ewwwwww. For any male readers or for those who simply don’t get it. Let me enlighten you as to why this guy now has a spot.
1. He used my name like 800 times (ok I know exaggeration, but in a single statement, you do not need to keep repeating the name of the person you are speaking to) when you do, it comes out like you are trying to memorize their details or something.

2. He entered my room with a compliment and a come-on

3. Women already feel vulnerable in a hotel room, without thinking the staff is full of sleazy gross guys just waiting to gain access into your room…. I mean why can’t they just wait til you leave the room like normal hotels?

End Result: No more room service for me, the rest of this trip. Even if I have to drag my starving carcass to the casino floor to find a sammich…I am not calling that number again.

Julio, you just got the honor of being awarded my first ever Spot of Shame…

Congratulations.

Number 50

2006-12-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

Am I a blogger?

Right now marks my 50th post, and I am struck by the idea that I tried to start this site last October for fun and have contributed in the past sporadically (or when I wasn’t busy trying to have a life, to report on it.) I see my friends effortlessly post their ideas and thoughts and witty repartee and I look at my posts which sometimes have glimpses of humor but are for the most part written when some thought is bothering me and the only way I can excise the demon is to write it out.
I am using you all as therapy to the thoughts keeping me hostage and I wonder, is that what blogging is?

If I suddenly felt well enough to leave the sanctity of my house on a regular basis, would I take any readers along with me? Would I report on the triumphs and misery, would I share enough to endear any reader or vest them in my life? I wonder, is THAT what blogging is?

Am I brave enough to actually write the real issues down and not just the epiphanies that occur post event? Or will I continue to use this little road stop as my own personal reflecting pond?

Anyway, not a groundbreaking post, but thought I’d highlight the first real milestone I’ve had here.

Merry Christmas to all I hope you have a wonderful season full of people who love you.

You're on Notice!

2006-12-19T00:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing in this world that’s worth having comes easy…

2006-12-17T05:49:00.000-08:00

What have I learned in 2006?
In a single phrase; NOTHING in this world that’s worth having comes easy.

Be it the dream job that feels more like playing then working, the body that makes you proud to walk around in a swimsuit at the beach or the relationship that completes you as you find the soulmate you have been searching for. These things will never be easy as I think you had to have earned enough karmic cash before going to the register with any of these types of purchases.

On Friday night, we had our annual Holiday party for the office complete with the way too free flowing alcohol and music that makes you cringe outwardly. It was a lot of fun and I admit to being one of those that imbibed in mass quantities of the sauce. I had attended the evening with one idea in mind: I was going to have fun: I would eat, drink and be merry and worry about any consequences on Monday. Luckily the worst I will potentially have to face on Monday will be jokes about being slightly off-balanced on the dance floor.

It was in this evening, as I looked around at the 45 or so people in the room, I realized that I have grown to love this highly dysfunctional family and their part in my life. I may complain about the daily toils of my job or the many injustices that get thrown out at the staff on a regular basis, but overall I work for a company that I know well and am comfortable being myself with. In that group, almost all know about my illness and have been supportive and accepting. I may not always agree with them all, but at the end of the day, I work with a good group of human beings.

I know this job will never feel like playing to me, but some of my closest and dearest friends are right there with me and when the days are bad we all chip in to ease the load of one another and when the days are good, we cut out to get a drink and enjoy the relaxation that comes after a job well done.

I have also realized that I am no longer able to look at my physical imperfections with a critical eye, because this year has taught me to love my body for what it does for me and to take care of it so it can continue my existence a little longer. Food when I am able to keep it down is a pleasure and joy and more than just the caloric guilt it used to be. Exercise is now for the pleasure of feeling my body stretch and move in positive ways and is a triumph, a symbol of overcoming my weakness, it will never again be the punishment inflicted on myself for the simple fact of trying to live up to a “Cosmo” standard.

When the sun comes back to us here, I will be the first one out by the pool in a bikini allowing the sun to warm my body and my bones and remind me for one more year that everyday the sun shines, is one more day to be thankful. Never again will I sit in the shade of sickness covered up out of fear of what others think of me, the time to worry about what others may think of me has passed and it is time to come into myself. Living for myself only and not for the approval of others who are probably weighed down in just as much insecurity and doubt of their own bodies as I once was.

Finally, I am at peace with my single status. I have slowed down significantly and am no longer in any rush to be “coupled”, this state brings complications that I cannot afford. I guess I could lie and say I am open to a relationship at this point and am just looking for the right guy, but the truth is; I’m not. I have zero interest in dating or men or any of the complications that come with putting yourself into a situation where “other people’s problems” become yours as you and he become one.

I really needed a break from the scene of dating and of feeling guilty for not being able to love more. After a certain amount of time with a person, you may love their laugh or the cute thing they do with their eyes, or their kindness or consideration, but there comes a point where they start looking for you to love them completely. Once you reach that stage, you either cut lose or take it to the next level. Sometimes you pretend so the relationship can go to the next level because you’re not ready to cut lose.

The fine writing on this decision is; Guess what? When you love someone you know it pretty immediately and all you are doing at that crossroads point is waiting for the moment to feel right to confess your feelings. If you decide to pretend to avoid the break-up and buy yourself more time…all you are doing is delaying the inevitable. Your heart knows long before your mind ever has a chance to process and if you think for a moment that you will somehow convince your heart to go along with something, you are in for an extremely messy break-up further down the road when the other person has invested much more love and energy into the relationship.

I have had 3 significant relationships this year. The first was a disaster from the beginning and ended in a thankfully short lived mess. The second was with someone I still love to this day, but needed to break out of the cycle of bad communication and failed attempts before it destroyed everything I was trying so hard to retain during the worst of my illness. The final relationship was one in which I pretended to love him to buy myself more time to sort out my feelings and this ended in the worst type of heartbreak as I realized that it was a façade and ended it. I believe for him, the investment was made and he was not acting and so my true feelings coming to light came as a cruel betrayal and loss for all he had planned for us.

I hope I will reach a point where I am ready to try again, but with the lessons learned from this year, I know I will move slowly and deliberately and will be careful where I tread. No crossroads will ever make me hesitate or pretend to be someone I’m not as the end result is never going to be positive and only leads to more loss and heartbreak.

As my year draws to a close and I take stock of what will go down as the worst in my 28 and ½ years on this planet, as illustrated above, I see a light at the end of the tunnel: I survived a stronger person, with the scars of this year toughening me up and preparing me for the plethora of challenges I cannot even comprehend at this moment. I have a steady job that may not be perfectly right for me, but is perfectly right for me right now. I am no longer a slave to appearances as I am proud of the body that continues to give me oxygen and for a heart that continues to pump my blood and for a body that takes me where I need to go.
Finally, I have no love relationship but much love in the friend relationships I have been able to cultivate.

None of these realizations have come easily, they have all come with the heavy burden of illness and heartbreak. However coming to terms with all the burden of this year has given me enough money in my Karmic bank account to walk away from the store with the purchase of peace.

My hope is that for others they don’t have to lose as much or go through so much pain to reach the same core sense of self that I have finally reached.

Picture of the Day

2006-12-12T00:31:00.000-08:00

Melissa you are the greatest!!! Thank you again for inviting me to celebrate your fabulous birthday.

Look at that.....Lots of love, I have a genuine smile on my face and am having a fun time.

Weekend in Review

2006-12-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

Friday: Went with Sarah, David and Amanda to Not So Silent Night a rocking holiday concert line up with the artists: The Silversun Pickups, The Shins, The Raconteurs, Modest Mouse and the Killers performing between 20 minutes sets to an hour each. High points of my concert going experience included:

1. Each band that performed was excellent! My favorites being the Raconteurs and the Killers. The Raconteurs had a very jam session feel to their performance that seemed to channel a cross between Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin with a White Stripes sound….probably had to be there to get that mix.
The Killers were surprisingly fantastic; I admit I was worried about seeing them live since every time I’ve seen them on TV, they have sucked pretty solidly. This evening however, was incredible, with them producing a set that was spot on and rocked really hard. I am now a believer and will never doubt their greatness again.

2. Easiest venue to get to and park at.

3. Being as weak as I am right now, we were extremely lucky in that we got fantastic seating (we ended up sitting in the balcony to the left of the stage.) Giving us both a clear view of the stage and the crowd lamely moshing below.

4. We had our own mini soap opera-esque activity happening in our section, with lots of drinking, yelling and insane drunk girl dancing..lucky for me I got to watch 5 solid inches of a woman’s G-sting as it tried poorly to fit around the skin and jiggly body parts flopping out of it.
The highlight of our Soap: David actually asking a women sitting in front of him “Do you need some Midol?”… You can use your imagination as to what kind of reaction that produced (as I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t instinctively cringe at that comment) add copious amounts of alcohol to the women receiving it and it was a tense few moments. End result = crazy drunk girls left our section and we were able to fully enjoy the Killers.

5. For a completely sold out concert – I lucked out with no lines in the bathroom.

Saturday:
Had the house to myself; decided to hang out in bed all day recovering from the late night. During which I watched really bad Christmas movies on cable and played solitaire. I was invited to go out clubbing for a friend of a friends birthday party, and since I happen to be Myspace friends with a fantastic DJ named Donny (who added me to his VIP list for the club they were going to) I decided at the last minute to go there to celebrate. Actually went out and danced for a few songs, but ended that pretty quickly when the guys around me got waaaaaaay too grabbie!
In retrospect: I was really proud of myself for going to a place deliberately outside of my current comfort zone (with the whole not wanting human contact) but shrink pretty far by the time the 5th guy had come up to put his arm around me. I think for the fantastic move forward, it will be an extremely long time before I expose myself to that type of meat market atmosphere. Positives from the experience:

1. Actually left the house on my own impetus

2. That I went to my least favorite kind of place

3. Allowed a huge amount of contact before having to leave that place.

Baby steps, but steps nevertheless

Sunday:
Had the house to myself again for most of the day; and in a repeat of the day before, slept in and hung out in bed. Had an insane dream about ritualistic murders and blame falling asleep the night before with the True Crimes channel on. Definitely not a mistake I’m likely to make again.

Cleaned house, hung out with Sarah, David and Bella in the evening and watched more bad Christmas movies (I know, I know I need to step away from the overly sentimental sap…)

Plans this week:
- Playing pool with 3 of my absolute favorite engineers who are coming into town for a testing event I am hosting. I only get to see them at our meetings (3 times a year) so it will be fun catching up for during this bonus trip.
- Holiday Office Party – Friday night will be the office holiday party at this pretty great venue. I am most looking forward to the Air guitar competition that seems to happen every year when certain unnamed attendees get a little too much alcohol.
- Diesels last days have begun and the sadness countdown has started…. Sniffle

Overall Outlook: Feeling pretty good, so I am really really hopeful that I won’t be confined to bed at all this week (Fingers crossed)

Niiiiiiiiiiiice

2006-12-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

So today I was chatting with Diesel via IM and kept using the term “Nice”, which in IM translates to exactly what is typed but in my head, was said like this “…..Niiiiiiiiice”. After about the third time of my internal monologue saying Nice in such an odd way, I started thinking: where have I heard it said like this? The Answer – South Park. I saw this episode a few weeks ago once and its influence seeped into my subconscious where it has only today surfaced.

I now live in fear of the moment when there is nothing left in my brain that doesn’t link to something I saw on TV….Niiiiiiiiice

First Steps

2006-12-07T01:38:00.000-08:00

If I had to summarize the last week in one word, I would use Comfort. The people around me helped give me the impetus to take some great first steps to healing my currently sad mental state.

It is in honor of those people who have circled the wagons and helped me see the forest for the trees that I write this post:

1. Ted: who would have known a year and a half ago when we broke up with the statement of “Lets be friends”, that we would actually mean it? It has not always been easy, but we have been able to really take strength in a friendship that is now going on 8 years strong. This week, you have given me fresh perspective, an ear to chat with and an astonishing degree of empathy to my pain and mistakes that I have gone through recently. How easy it would have been to take the “I told you so” route or the “HAHA my ex is having a rough time” route that most take, while you opted to provide support and helped give me renewed faith in humans.

2. Diesel: You have helped me see that it truly is better to take support and love from those who care about you. You have gone through a phenomenally rough time this week and there has been much sadness in your family. Throughout this time though, you have shown infinite patience in providing strength to your family and friends and through humor have shown that no matter what may come at me, it is nothing I can’t handle. This post in particular really helped me through some of my sadness even in light of your own.

3. Sarah: Now I know this is going to sound incredibly shallow and I hope it goes without saying that you have been a source of strength for me my whole life. But this week, the one act you did that really made a difference…was lasagna. During a period of time when I have felt horribly disconnected from the person I am/was you made a meal that reminded me of better times and family that is far away. A long day of making sauce, filling the house with the smells of Grandma Yolie took me to a place where I could remember when things were not so bad and it provided deep comfort.

4. Bella: She had a difficult weekend. Not at all unusual for a 4 year old, but we spent a lot of the weekend with her doing things that forced Sarah to put her in time-out. On Saturday night after a long weekend of no’s, Bella wanted to sit in my lap and cuddle. I was able to take real and true comfort in the arms of my baby niece who gave me the biggest hugs and kisses and snuggled deep into my arms. This was therapy that cannot be bought.

5. Trey: Who would have thought that Lyris would provide anyone comfort? After a meeting of disappointing discovers, we were able to shake it off with Uncle Yu’s and my favorite; Crispy Chicken. Not a dish I am normally permitted, but I made an exception and we passed the night with fantastic food, conversation and jokes. You reminded me that sometimes there is nothing better than avoiding the problems of the day and you helped me focus on a hope for a better work future.

6. Amanda: My cell phone in shining armor. When a freak error, caused me to be cut-off from the outside world, you didn’t hesitate to come to my rescue. Spending the rest of the evening watching my favorite shows and hanging out reminded me that while I have often stated that I “mined” this friendship from my sister and while this may be true. Amanda is a constant source of support and friendship that makes me really happy she is in my life and on my side.

So there you have it, my week in review based off the people who have truly made a difference.

I may be entering into my least favorite time of the year, but with people like these in my life, I am actually anticipating a better Holiday than I have ever had.

Make Diesel Read a Book

2006-12-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

My friend, Diesel has decided to place forth a challenge to his blog readers/ friends to recommend a book for him to read in the next year. I would have considered him extremely well read and one of my most articulate friends to date, but looking at this List, I found several key pieces of literature missing from his reading history.

To this purpose, I would like to formally recommend that he read Homer’s Iliad and The Odyssey.

I know that (rightfully) some may argue these are two separate books and for the purpose of the contest I understand if they need to be separated to 2 different weeks, but they should be read back to back.

To explain my recommendations while trying to minimize sounding like a High School Syllabus: I will begin with a brief background; These are two epic poems which were written down sometime between 800 – 600 B.C.E. by Homer, but the stories being told are as old as 1200 B.C.E. The time lag existing primarily because prior to Homer getting this great idea to write it down, these stories were given orally by the Rhapsodoi (traveling poets) who performed all over Greece. They sang. They danced. They were easily the best thing to happen to the Greeks since fire.

These stories (some of the oldest known text in the world) prove that there really is no such thing as an original idea and that human nature has changed very little in all this time. The Iliad’s central focus is on War and The Odyssey on the trials of trying to just get home and how revenge truly is a strong motivating factor.

Still not sold, Diesel? Let me break it down in a handy dandy Pros/Cons list

Pros:
1. These are two of the oldest texts existing in human history.

2. Bragging rights of having read two of the most important works in Greek history helping to further promote the current cultivated attitude of being better than all around.

Example;
Random Co-Worker: “Diesel, why did you set that database up specifically to the requirements we asked of you? Didn’t you know that we would ultimately change our mind and blame you for it?”
D: “Have you read Homer?”
RCW: “What?”
D: “Have you read Homer??”
RCW: “Can’t say that I have”
D: OHHHHHH that explains why you’re in here asking me asinine questions. Why don’t you come back when you have progressed past being functionally illiterate Be-Atch”

3. This work has been translated by such stars as: Alexander Pope, Samuel Butler, T.E. Shaw and Walter Shewring

4. Everyone else has; What you think you’re too good for us?

5. Kick ass stories about heroes, great battles, hot chicks, deception, lies, honor and tradition. It has a little something for everyone on your Christmas list.

6. Available for free on the web in about 800 places, but my favorite service for this text is Here

Cons:
1. These are called epic poems...could result in a fear of long prose in places like bad hallmark cards and anything on the Lifetime channel. Oh wait, you already have that fear… no danger here.

2. You have a sudden startling revelation that these books are simple too manly for you to handle.

Diesel, I’ve risen to the challenge of blogging for you my recommendation; I hope you are strong enough to accept the challenge.

To all others reading this post, I recommend taking a visit to Mattress Police as this is my favorite place. Diesel blogs regularly and more importantly always has something either thought provoking or funny to write. You can also recommend a book for him to read to help keep him rolling in things to do once he has abandoned his post as my favorite co-worker in a few weeks time.

Does everyone have a price?

2006-12-03T02:46:00.000-08:00

I had a discussion tonight with Sarah and David regarding the cost it would take to do something that would otherwise be objectionable to them. We started with small things and worked our way up to the most heinous of events to determine if a price could be had.
This conversation was powerfully driven by my belief that once you establish even one circumstance in which you would willingly commit an act previously thought of as reprehensible as trade for something you desire, you have immediately established that you are for sale, and all that happens after that point is simply haggling.

I believe this because one of the greatest things about humans is our inner spirit and drive. Some people are motivated by the prospect of riches, others for security, some for love and others for charity. But when you break us down to what keeps us going on the day to day, sooner or later you discover the inner core of motivation. Once someone understands your motivation it seems to me it is only a matter of time and options before your motivating factor has you buckling under the pressure.

Small Quiz for the readers:

1. Would you perform oral sex on a stranger for 1 million dollars? Y/N

2. Would you perform oral sex on a stranger for 1 billion dollars? Y/N

3. Would you end a relationship with a loved one to save their life? Y/N

4. Would you cheat on your spouse/significant other to save 100 small babies from being tortured before being brutally killed? Y/N

If you said yes to any of the questions above, you have proved my point.

For some the first three questions were easy ones with a Yes or No answer springing readily to mind. The last one is significantly tougher in my opinion, because by one act of betrayal which could potentially be forgiven, you would be saving the lives of innocents who cannot protect themselves. Your sacrifice or loss would benefit so many more people and it makes you a part of a bad act done for extremely good reasons.

BTW – If anyone found it easy to say NO to all four questions above, please comment and let me know why you could walk away, I’d love to know.

What is YOUR biggest fear?

2006-11-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

So in the last month I admit to avoiding human contact.. I go to work, I do my job, I interact when required, but physically I have not wanted any contact. I think this is partially out of intense aphenphosmphobia brought on by my illness. For some reason if people touch me I have to worry about whatever disease they could potential be carrying which does not bode well for me entering into this winter healthy, the second reason I avoid touch is because of a bad side effect to my disease: my skin aches and when people touch me it hurts. So this avoidance seems grounded in some form of logic and reason. But does not come without its own frosty side effect which is; because of this avoidance I have started avoiding situations were touching may occur. So forget about dating – completely out of the picture, but also forget about concerts, social get together’s with friends, sitting in a car with an acquaintance. This month my most used phrase has to be “Oh no, I insist, after you.”

Countless studies have been done on primates and human infants who are touched deprived. Even for small amounts of time, the loss of touch results in dramatic consequences, setting in motion the inability for the infant to explore the world, they are more withdrawn, passive; eat inadequate amounts and exhibit patterns of severe depression for the rest of their life.

SO armed with the knowledge of those past studies, I have to wonder – what does this mean for me? I know enough to know that prolonged avoidance to human contact leads to more avoidance in the future and is a self perpetuating cycle. I fear/loathe touch right now but by the time at a point where it may be tolerable will I be able to move past the feelings of isolation to reach out to the people around me? By the end of December will I have any friends left? What about the viability of future relationships?

These are tough questions for me to answer right now and I fear that before I have figured it out I may be completely alone.

Movie Review #1

2006-11-28T11:27:00.000-08:00

Last night my sister and I went to see The Fountain a movie whose director is best known for directing Requiem for a Dream. It stars Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz who together circle questions regarding life, death, love and spirituality.

This movie was a story of a doctor (Jackman) who is trying desperately to find a cure to a brain tumor his wife has. During his anguished quest for a cure using bark from a tree discovered, his wife (Weisz) has written a fictional story of a conquistador on a mission to find the Tree of Life for his queen whose life is being threatened by inquisitors of the Church (a parallel to her perception of her husbands struggle.) In addition to these two plots there is a third story line set at some point in the future where Jackman’s character is evolved into some kind of spiritual astronaut traveling with the tree of life (which takes on the same focus in his life as his wife and queen in the previous stories.) The tree is dying and he is trying desperately to get it to the center of a dying star so it can be reborn at the moment that the star dies.

To say this was a good movie is not quite right. But I also cannot call it bad. I think the final product is probably not what Darren Aronofsky had in mind and what we got as an audience was cut/edited in a way that left me feeling slightly off balance and spending more time than I should have trying to connect the synapses in my brain to comprehend what the heck was going on. On the plus side; it was beautifully laid out and artfully directed. I feel the performances were absolutely incredibly as Jackman was the epitome of struggle and devotion and Weisz represented love and the fragility of life. Both tuned into the core of who these people were/are and the result was stunning.

Overall I give “The Fountain” 3 stars (on a scale of 5) as it is not a movie for the masses but for a more segmented group of the population. If you are looking for a simple love story/science fiction odyssey I say walk away. If, however, you are willing to watch a movie that has an interesting if at times convoluted plot, is thought provoking and is beautifully directed. Understanding that you will leave pondering what you just saw than by all means; this movie is for you.

Time for a new job

2006-11-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

So my company required that we all take a DiSC Survey. For those not in the know this is: a personality behavioral profile system based on the work of William Marston, a psychologist. It's a bit like Myers Briggs-- and based on the survey you take it quantitatively characterizes your scores in each of 4 areas- Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness.-- all related to work, not general life.

So being the good employee I try to be, I completed this survey and discovered that I am strong in Conscientiousness and have a perfectionist profile; which means I like to be accurate and orderly, that I need clearly defined performance expectations and seek a stable environment in which to work.

Not a big surprise. However, in the job I currently hold, my job is not clearly defined, I answer to 5 different bosses with no rhyme or reason which makes it impossible to provide extraordinary results because no matter what work I do they will always seek more. In addition the company experiences a high level of “quitties” this is a term I coined for people who join the staff thinking they can accomplish change and they do for about 2 months, than the reality sets in, the honeymoon is over and they get so much push back they are no longer able to effect any change. This results in half finished processes and procedures and an overall malaise of the employees; in the end they leave to find greener pastures.

I think it is time for my search of greener pastures; I am underpaid, overworked and underappreciated. This survey confirmed for me what I have known for a long time: This company is not a right fit.

Thanks DiSC survey…

“In every parting there comes a time when our beloved has already gone from us.”

2006-11-17T11:47:00.000-08:00

I send this article out for M, who needs a little help dealing with heartbreak right now.

WTF Moment of the Week

2006-11-16T16:55:00.000-08:00

There are no words to convey how extremely creeped out I am by this:

Rudy Giuliani In Drag - video powered by Metacafe

Ever have one of those days...

2006-11-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

Where everything goes wrong and you are ready to climb a mountain and channel a Tibetan monk rather than deal with the list of action items waiting for you?

Well today is that day for me! I am living out the Worst-Case Scenarios for the Office all in one day...

Isn't every moment in an office akin to a horror movie, or is it just me.

Long Time No Post…

2006-11-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

To try and write down what has happened to me in the last 2 months seems an almost incomprehensible task. So in the interest of self preservation I won’t even attempt it. That’s not to say I have blocked out these 2 months completely, never to be mentioned again, but I understand that my capacity to update is lacking and as such I must do what I can.
Below is a short list of these last two months taken on a week by week basis

Sep 17- 24 – Worked, watched TV, got sick, slept. Highlight: Weird Al video for Polkarama came out

Sep 25 – Oct. 1 – Worked harder, packed, stayed sick, slept. Highlight:

Oct 2 – 8 – Portland, Oregon reviewing process and procedures in the Intel Labs (translation – Worked in a place where it rains more). Highlight: Favorite Daily Show Moment of All Time

Oct 9 – 15 – Beijing, China business meeting. Summary: Flew 5940 miles to sit in stuffy meeting rooms day after day. Highlight was the Great Wall and The Temple of Heaven*

*Actual Images to come once I finish downloading all my pictures.

Oct 16 – 22 – Recovered from extremely long trip, was sick, broke up with my man, slept. Highlight*: Catching up on all episodes of Supernatural, Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls . While taking a few days off to recover from China.

*No need to comment, I understand I am the bitch of the CW.

Oct 23 – 29 – Mom in town, worked, watched TV, still sick, slept. Highlight: TGIFriday’s for two meals in the same week as well as this discovery that the Borat actor (better known in his Ali G persona) is actually incredibly hot
Look Here!

Oct 30 – Nov 5 - Depression at its peak, took much needed time off to recover from being sick, lots of Doctor’s visits. Highlight: discovered a horribly addictive game called Cake Mania and was given food for thought in the following Mullet Public Service Announcement.

So there you have it, my life the last 2 months. I am looking forward to having much more interesting things to write in the coming days as I have all my trip images uploaded.

Till Then….Your moment of Zen:
The Smiley Intervention

Friday Five

2006-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

1. What's your favorite line from a movie, and why? Okay, it’s a little graphic but I LOVED this quote from Team America World Police
“See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!”

2. Who's your favorite villain from a movie, and why?
Col. Nathan R. Jessep from “A Few Good Men”. Jack Nicholson was so tough and condescending. I just loved him in that movie and that closing court scene stands as the only piece of cinema I can watch with Tom Cruise in it without being a little sick.

3. Name one movie everyone else loves that you hate.
Spiderman. Everyone I know loves that movie, but Tobey Maguire is on my last nerve. With great power comes great responsibility… okay, okay I get it now do I have to hear that for another hour and 45 minutes…..

4. Name one movie everyone else hates that you love.
High Society. This is the last movie of Grace Kelly (before she went and got herself crowned) and stars Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. It is the only movie I like to watch when I am sick and could watch it over and over again without stopping. Most people cannot stand it; some hate it because it is a remake of the Philadelphia Story and “Katherine Hepburn did a much better job” and for the rest, they just hate that it’s a musical.

5. What's your favorite Pixar film, and why?
Finding Nemo, because it was the first movie my niece could watch all the way through and I was just so relieved to be able to watch a movie from start to finish :-)

I interrupt your viewing pleasure with this moment of lunatic punditry

2006-09-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

So in my job I receive a lot of correspondence from International Companies. I usually rely on Babel fish translation as a means to understand what the question is and what the person needs from me.

Today my translation from Korean to English yielded me this gem:

“How are you. It is an ammonium sulfate B. ^ It is contacted just now in the most yearly good Sea the bedspread. The Alliance it says that the registration card Fax sample which it publishes from the nation of the Alliance is necessary. (In example hold our company it is cotton business owner registration card.) After being possible, until week Monday entrusting it gives. If until Hog Monday it is impossible and by morning it receives Tuesday and certainly it does. It says that cannot receive the registration card the case remittance is cancelled. The case which it will receive until Monday in Yoo rim Sea the staring nine bedspread, The case which it will receive until Monday in Yoo rim Sea the staring nine bedspread, which it will receive Tuesday when it is given to me. Be like that good one day. ^ Ammonium sulfate or streamer.”

Now because it starts with a simple question How are you, it set’s the expectation that the rest of the translation will be somewhat reasonable. A thought that immediately goes out the window when the person advises you, oh it’s me ammonium sulfate B. ^. After that the gibberish just gets funnier…. Climaxing with what I can only assume is a dire warning to be good or risk turning into either Ammonium sulfate or a streamer.

Upon deep discussion with D, I am now of the impression this wasn’t simply a missive which was poorly translated but a surrealist piece of art worthy of sharing to all. Even at the risk that cults will rise out to celebrate on all Hog Monday or that the great Yoo rim Sea the staring nine bedspread is always watching.

Squirrel Boy Strikes Again!!

2006-09-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

As if I needed further proof that squirrel boy enjoys wreaking havoc....

Aug. 28th - The most important non-milestone date I have!

2006-08-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

CHASING CARS (Snow Patrol)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Hey your peanut butter got on my chocolate!

2006-08-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

This is better than peanut butter and chocolate conundrum of yesteryear. I have found a tribute to one of my favorite movies "The Crow" combined with one of my favorite Blue October songs "Come in Closer"

I hope you enjoy as much as I did!

This says it all!

2006-08-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

Long overdue – Last Weekend in Review

2006-08-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Long overdue – Weekend in Review

I have been sitting on this blog for the last 5 days choosing instead to type about other things weighing me down, but have decided to finally post this as there is no excuse for delaying the review on a rather fantastic weekend:

Friday Night: I saw Blue October in Concert. They had a special exhibition concert at the Avalon Theater and played to a sold out crowd. I was only about 6 rows back from the stage and stood transfixed as the greatest concert of my life played out. The best part of the concert had to be that they sounded even better live then they do on their perfect album. Please note I am passionate about music and for me to use the term “perfect” is huge. If you have not yet listened to Blue October, get the led out and buy Foiled (their newest album.) but also note they have other albums before that are just as fantastic!
So back to the replay…after the concert we went to a nice little Jazz bar called “Daddy’s” and enjoyed a round (water for me) but something a little heavier for the others with me. We hung out in this uber atmospheric bar that just screamed “I am an uber atmospheric hip place in Hollywood” It was pretty cool. Afterwards we went on a mission to see the Hollywood sign, as we drove up and down streets trying to get a glimpse for over an hour, we came to the rather anti-climatic discovery that the sign was turned off for the night because of the fog…. Le sigh…so we returned to the hotel and we all bid each other goodnight.

Saturday: Was up bright and early and began by hanging out at the hotel, lounging around watching bad cartoons on T.V., we than decided to go downstairs on a quest for food prior to heading to Manhattan Beach to enjoy some fun in the sun. We got to the beach and the sun in the sky was perfect, the water temperature was perfect and the waves were perfect. I swam out far (but at the same time protected by Mike who kept me from going under on some of those stronger currents.) I also got to see my first sand crabs ever and those kinda creeped me out. I mean they move really fast and bite, not my kind of thing at all and funny enough while a consummate world traveler and having done all kinds of SCUBA diving and snorkeling I have never really swam in ocean like this. It was truly amazing. After a long afternoon playing in the waves, we all headed back to the hotel to shower and get ready for the evening festivities.
That night we went to a place called Medieval Times which for those not in the know is a real live jousting show with dinner. Quite an experience and was just a complete blast. We had my niece (who is 4 and a bit horse crazy) with us and I don’t think I have ever seen anyone enjoy something so thoroughly. It was an absolute joy and made the trip extremely memorable.

So we returned back to the hotel tired but satisfied as our knight happened to win the princess and the competition. Our hands full of cheesy souvenirs and images of horses in battle drifting through our heads.

Sunday: It was time to come home and since it is only a 5 ½ drive we decided to get on the road around 1:30pm after an extremely long lunch at Denny’s. Our simple drive home turned into an endurance test as the Grapevine was closed for many hours due to major fires. It took us almost 4 hours to go 8 miles and when we finally got out of the worst discovered the restaurants and gas stations for the most part had been evacuated for the fire so we had to keep driving homeward bound with no real rejuvenating available to us. At this point in the story I have to give major props to my Niece as she survived 9 ½ hours in the car in 90 degree weather without us being able to turn on the air conditioning the whole time we were stopped on the grapevine. She didn’t complain once and lasted the whole trip better than I did. The most harrowing part of the drive home was Sarah driving 90 miles down I-5 with her phone in one hand and negotiating the traffic with the other hand and with limited attention… I send a special thank you out to David for making that moment possible ;-)… TeeHee (I swear I am just giving you a hard time.)

So thus concludes my weekend wrap-up, I intend to be slightly less adventurous this weekend as the biggest plans I have is to spend lots of concentrated time studying the back of eyelids….

Is it time to choose a ready guide?

2006-08-16T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I have had a strange night and an even stranger morning.
I am at a fork in the road and need to decide what best to do next. DO I take the brightly lit path with its ease and comfort and safety but look to a future with no challenge, do I take the dark path with unknown twists and turns, where there will be given hurt and unease but potentially great rewards or do I walk away from both paths and go back the way I came… I want to walk the path of free will but cannot seem to figure out which way that is exactly.

Toronto Rocks Concert – If you look really hard in the audience you will see me on the left :-)

Suburban Cure?

2006-08-15T17:31:00.000-07:00

So for those in the know, I have been struggling with a prolonged illness for a while now. I have finally started to deal with what that means and what I will have to give up to be happy. My illness has become the child in my life as I find that I constantly ask myself “Is this good for the body? Is what I’m doing good for my body?”
“Oh you want to go out tonight? Sorry got to find a babysitter for the illness before I can muster the energy to go out”

I have little patience and am defeated by the constant reminders of those around me to “perk up” “and don’t worry God has a plan” “Why don’t you try to think of all the blessings in your life” – the last two burn as I am not in any way overtly religious and it feels like I walked into a scene from Jesus Christ Superstar with no way to get off stage. Excuse me while I brush up on my Lazarus lines…oops missed my cue…damn no healing for me…

So I am sitting home telecommuting trying to finish the 80 things on my action item list for my “very important job” “where I have many business meetings” (insert rolled eyes here) and I realized how much I hate Chicken Noodle Soup, Nyquil and Sprite (the only suburban remedy from my childhood) the three things I have been living off of for waaaay to long and what I am dreaming of is a large steak, some tequila shots and a night of dancing.
With my luck what that desire will translate to is getting drunk at a steakhouse and just dancing on the table…hmmmm maybe that isn’t such a bad idea… I’ll let you all know how it goes.

What have I become... my sweetest friend

2006-08-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Never knew a dictionary could be so bitter...

2006-06-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

ir•re•gard•less
adv. Nonstandard
Regardless.

________________________________________
[Probably blend of irrespective, and regardless.]
Usage Note: Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term. Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so.

Where my mind has wandered...

2006-04-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

- Christopher Brennan

Take Back the Night!

2006-04-12T00:38:00.000-07:00

So, recently I have experienced a roller coaster ride of fear and uncertainty. I have been paralyzed by the actions of another and have felt threatened and afraid to sleep in peace. To sum up: this has not been a great time for me.

Today, I am taking back control of my life and rejecting the fear. In honor of this celebratory moment I thought a little Weird Al Yankovic was in order. Now this happens to be my favorite Weird Al song ever and should not be taken completely literally to my situation (I do stand behind his chorus of all the things he would rather do than spend one more minute with his ex…but otherwise, please just enjoy and don’t read too much into this)

I would like to dedicate this song to all the girls (and boys) out there who have had to deal with someone who just won’t leave you alone. To all you out there who have had to suffer people who don’t respect your wishes when you say goodbye and especially for those who strongly dislike that certain someone who you can’t seem to shake no matter what you do. This is a song just for you…

Enjoy!

The Good Wife's Guide...

2006-04-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

SO this article was forwarded to me and while reading it and having a good laugh I also realized that what I was holding was really 18 steps to TRUE relationship happiness...so this is what I have been doing wrong all this time. ;)

One: Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Two: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Three: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Four: Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Five: Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

Six: Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by.Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Seven: Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Eight: Be happy to see him.

Nine: Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Ten: Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Eleven: Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Twelve: Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Thirteen: Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Fourteen: Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Fifteen: Make him comfortable. Make him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Sixteen: Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Seventeen: Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

Eighteen: A good wife always knows her place.

Squirrels...Finally a song just for them!

2006-03-26T22:43:00.000-08:00

SO while looking through one of my new favorite websites "YouTube" I came upon this delightful video and felt I had to share. I cannot believe there is a combination of three things that I love...Squirrels, Dr. Demento and Beastie Boys......this is the best and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have!

**WARNING** While the message of the song is cute and very “Pro-Squirrel”, there are some images that are not for the squeamish so viewer beware!

Die Sauerkraut ist in mein Lederhosen.

2006-03-20T01:37:00.000-08:00

This is what woke me out of sound sleep tonight:

Nick Rivers: Listen to me Hillary. I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.

Hillary Flammond: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.

[Long pause. Both look at camera]

----- From the movie Top Secret (1984)

I know, I need help!

Beware the dark side...

2006-03-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

So while surfing the web, I discovered a site that utilizes face recognition software to tell you what famous person you most look like. You upload an image of your face (preferably a close-up with your face forward) and it gives you a list along with the percentage of facial similarities of who you most look like. The greatest fun of this site is that you can do it as many times as you’d like and see what strange images you come up with.

So in the interest of science: I took the following image of myself:

And got the following results:

WOW: Rachel Weisz, Kate Hudson and Brooke Shields, I mean what nice software…but wait what’s this…I look like freakin DARTH VADER?!?

I am now permanently scarred and intend to never lean towards this kind of dark side again…

If you would like to try the website out for yourself please go to MyHeritage and try it for free…..BUT BEWARE they seem to warm you up with beautiful flattering comparisons than when your head is so big you can’t walk through the door BAM you’re freakin Darth Vader…..

Excuse me I’ve got to go destroy some images and scrub my memory clean

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

2006-03-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Top 10 reasons that Samantha rocks as a best friend!

2006-03-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

10. She discovered “She Wants Revenge” long before they made it big :-)

9. She willingly drives in the rain to take me to the ER and wait with me for hours for the tests results to come back.

8. She is fiercely devoted and has stood by me when no one else will. She shares my victories and my sadness.

7. She is always the first person to return a call and is always willing to sit on the phone for hours when I’m stuck waiting in traffic/airport lounges/grocery stories.

6. She is Jewish but has more Christmas Spirit than my entire family!

5. She carries these fabulous little ‘Seafood cards” around and is never afraid of handing them out to strangers and friends….sharing with the world what seafood is environmentally safe to eat.

4. She car dances with abandon.

3. She watches all the “guilty pleasure” shows and is never afraid to admit it and invite others to share in the pleasure.

2. She knows all my dirty little secrets and loves me anyway.

And the number one reason Samantha rocks my world:

She saved on her DVR (very high priced real estate) the U2 appearance on Conan O’Brian and kept it on there for almost a month before I was able to watch it. She than transferred it to tape so I could keep it forever.

Jennifer’s Hierarchy of Needs:

2006-03-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

I have not written in a while. But tonight I am inspired to post regarding a subject that has importance in my life currently.

When searching for love there are in my mind 5 levels of compatibility: Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual and Sense of Humor. I believe that without those levels being met, you will never be happy with the one you are with. A very good friend of mine pointed out that I look at these levels as follows:

As illustrated by my image above. Each compatibility level is a single component (a piece of a puzzle) that makes a whole picture.

He explained that the problem with looking at relationships in this way is that it places equal importance on each level. He astutely pointed out; in a love relationship there needs to be more importance placed on the physical than the other levels. The reason for this is you may be extremely close to a friend but without a physical relationship that is all that it is: a friend. With a lover if there is no sexual attraction/compatibility there is no basis for the relationship.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I truly believe that there is an increase depth of the other levels that make a relationship fulfilling but without the basis, you cannot honestly move to a deeper connection. This physical connection does not just represent sex. For me it encompasses the full range of physical touch as well as desire.

For example, you may have a friend that has a completely different spiritual belief structure than you which in no way impacts the friendship you have, however when trying to find a mate for life, those difference can easily become deal breakers. It is with this idea in mind that my dear friend advised that he looked at the compatibility more like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need. The idea being that you have to have a strong solid base (in this instance it would be a physical connection) before you can move up the ladder to a successful relationship. So given the levels I believe in, my hierarchy would look something like this:

(Note - This is my hierarchy of needs, for others the mental may have more importance than the emotional.)

I believe that by approaching my future relationships in this way, I will save myself and the people I chose to be with a lot of pain and sorrow by dealing with the deal breakers up front. Rather than trying to approach the relationship from a top down approach which will only lead to frustration and heartache.

Year of the Dog

2006-01-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

So the Chinese New Year is almost upon us and I find myself curious to the lore and superstitions surrounding a holiday that most people in America recognize as a fireworks display and parade.
The fact of the matter is this is a holiday with a rich and diverse history. Unlike the New Year’s Eve that is normally recognized by copious amounts of alcohol accompanied by a half hearted attempt to verbalize “resolutions” that not only are bound to be forgotten as the hangover fades but are unrealistic in nature…the Chinese New Year is 15 days long with each day having it’s own symbolic meaning.
I am here dear reader to share what I’ve learned about this:
Chinese New Year begins on the first New Moon of the year (and as such the date is altered accordingly), it ends 15 days later on the Full Moon that follows. Tonight being New Year’s Eve there will be a place setting at the dinner table for the ancestors of the family. The spirit of the ancestors celebrates on this night with the family for one communal celebration. The communal feast called "surrounding the stove" or weilu. Symbolizes family unity and honors the past and present generations.

I also discovered the following superstitions regarding this holiday (please note, these are a general collection and not reflective of all regions of China):

All debts are to be paid prior to the New Year starting and nothing should be lent on this day, as anyone who does so will be lending all the year.

Everyone should refrain from using foul language and bad or unlucky words. Negative terms and the word "four" (Ssu), which sounds like the word for death, are not to be uttered.

Death and dying are never mentioned and ghost stories are totally taboo.

If you cry on New Year's day, you will cry all through the year. Therefore, children are tolerated and are not spanked, even though they are mischievous.

On New Year's Day, you are not supposed to wash your hair because it would means you would have washed away good luck for the New Year.

Red clothing is preferred during this festive occasion. Red is considered a bright, happy color, sure to bring the wearer a sunny and bright future.

It is believed that appearance and attitude during New Year's sets the tone for the rest of the year.

Children and unmarried friends, as well as close relatives are given lai see, little red envelopes with crisp one dollar bills inserted, for good fortune.

The first person one meets and the first words heard are significant as to what the fortunes would be for the entire year.

It is a lucky sign to see or hear songbirds or red-colored birds or swallows.

It is considered unlucky to greet anyone in their bedroom so that is why everyone, even the sick, should get dressed and sit in the living room.

Do not use knives or scissors on New Year's Day as this may cut off fortune.

The entire house should be cleaned before New Year's Day. On New Year's Eve, all brooms, brushes, dusters, dust pans and other cleaning equipment are put away. Sweeping or dusting should not be done on New Year's Day for fear that good fortune will be swept away. After New Year's Day, the floors may be swept. Beginning at the door, the dust and rubbish are swept to the middle of the parlor, then placed in the corners and not taken or thrown out until the fifth day. At no time should the rubbish in the corners be trampled upon. In sweeping, there is a superstition that if you sweep the dirt out over the threshold, you will sweep one of the family members away. Also, to sweep the dust and dirt out of your house by the front entrance is to sweep away the good fortune of the family; it must always be swept inwards and then carried out, then no harm will follow. All dirt and rubbish must be taken out the back door.
~~~

I like this celebration; I like the cultural fecundity of the whole thing as well as the chance for New Beginnings. I am going to embrace the following tradition with my whole heart as I welcome the Year of the Dog: It is believed that references to the past year are to be avoided as everything should be turned toward the New Year and a new beginning.

SO here is to new beginnings and to all my friends and family I wish you all: Xin nian yu kuai!

So Hollow…

2006-01-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

Today I am mourning again for the dissolution of a relationship where I was not the best person I could be, he was not the best person he could be, but I loved him anyway. I was recently contacted by Barry and while the anger is gone, talking to him on the phone was like a sharp knife being stabbed deep into my core being. In this last month I have been devoid of emotional responses as I attempted to cauterize the pain of losing someone so close to me.

I have dated and laughed and conducted business as usual, but at the same time entered an almost manic level of shutting off any feelings I had for this person (and in the process feelings for everyone else has been blocked as well).

So today I am again going through the pain of fresh loss as hearing his voice and reading his words reopened the wound and I now feel like my life energy is pouring out of me in copious amounts.

At the same time I am entering into a new and beautiful relationship with myself and with a really wonderful man. He is like a soothing balm on my battered soul and for the loss I feel right now I also feel like I am coming into myself and am strengthened by the desire to enter into this new situation whole. So here I am…mourning yet recognizing that this is a necessary time to experience.

My friend Jen gave me this song and it struck such a chord in me that it is my official “song of this week”

"Goodbye My Lover"

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'
Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

-James Blunt

Dead Monkeys and Martini’s

2006-01-26T01:28:00.000-08:00

I recently had the opportunity to travel to Las Vegas for business. I spent a week of long hard days on the tradeshow and even longer nights on the dance floor. I tapped into resources of energy I didn’t even realize I had. For the first time in my adult life I partied like the 20-somethinger I am. It was so much fun and it lit a torch under my behind to remember that I am still young, hot and this world is full of untapped potential. Now I mention my trip as I discovered on this trip a love for something called the Key Lime Martini. Now for those of you who have not yet met this confectioner’s dream, picture if you will Key Lime pie in a drink that makes you tipsy. It has key lime liquor, vanilla vodka and a graham cracker rim…hmmmhhmmm. This martini (girlie drink and all) marked for me a turning point in my life. I have never had a taste for hard liquor and have glanced enviously at friends and family as they did scotch on the rocks or whiskey straight up or even more recently something as simple as a cosmos. I am simply put a girlie drink drunk. Being able to order something with vodka in it has filled me with pride.

Now is the time in my blog where I tell the worst joke ever given to me…you ready for this one…seriously...don’t say I didn’t warn you…
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree
Cause it was dead
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree
Cause it was dead
Now, why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree
Peer Pressure

This was a joke given to me by a man who was attempting to take me out…as I told him
Dead monkeys do not impress!

First Dates Are Hard

2005-12-31T19:22:00.000-08:00

I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but I have discovered that first dates are hard. The way I see it you meet with someone that is a complete stranger to you for (dinner, drinks, lunch…etc.) and you try hard to learn as much about the other person to decide it if is worth either of your time to go on a second date. So both people are trying to be witty and interesting and fascinating just for the opportunity to go on a second date. Or rather for the opportunity to decide if there is a second date.

Last night I went on a first date with a really awesome guy. The conversation flowed with little effort, we both seemed to click, we had a dinner where the conversation alone lasted for 4 ½ hours (very cool). By the end of the date we had spent a total of 7 ½ hours together (practically a work day ;)). This was an experience I wouldn’t trade but at the same time, I have to wonder if I have somehow crossed a line in first date etiquette by prolonging the good feelings for too long? I mean with a first date like this one, what happens now and in what time frame? I feel confused by the rules of dating with regard to calling the person, emailing them or am I supposed to wait until he makes the first move? Since we agreed to a second date but didn’t set the specifics, does that mean we should only talk when we are arranging the second date or do we continue to communicate to get to know each other via email/phone?

I am used to my “couple” reactions and don’t know how to respond in this very “single” situations. If anyone has any input please let me know cause I really need help with this conundrum.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2005-12-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

I feel reborn, reenergized and mostly relieved. I have survived another year and am looking forward to 2006 with renewed energy.

My 2005 year in review:
-Moved twice
-Left my boyfriend of 6 ½ years
-Went back to Church and religious beliefs
-Got Promoted
-Went back to performing – Children performances but still a return
-Went back to School
-Went to Portugal
-Met, dated and was dumped by an Irishman
-Got a horrible bacterial infection
-Survived Disneyland during their 50th celebration and Christmas celebrations. (shudder) and more importantly enjoyed myself.
-Survived a 13 hour car trip through the fog and rain and wind with a 3 year old

Looking back on 2005 I will forever think of this year as a transition from the person I was and the person I am forever meant to be. I have taken more risks, grown as an individual and become a more confident self assured person. This is the first time I don’t have a concrete 5 year plan, but also the first time in my entire life that I don’t feel like I have to have one.
I am poised to handle anything that comes at me and look forward to welcoming the New Year with new friends, new loves, new experiences and a new plan.

So I toast 2005 with the finest bottle of Champagne and say a resounding Thank you for all that you have done for me. May 2006 reap the benefits of your hard work.

Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away!

2005-12-23T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I am leaving today to head to Arizona for Christmas. I haven’t actually been home since July and so many things have changed in my life that I am unsure how it will feel to be back in my own stomping grounds. I am both eagerly anticipating and dreading this next week as I come face to face with the knowledge that for the first time in my life I don’t consider Arizona home any longer.

I have held onto my identity as a Tucsonan for the last two years and realized this week that the title just doesn’t fit any longer. I think it first struck me when I noticed that I was not looking forward to this trip the way I had in the past. This may be for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is I am entering into this Christmas single for the first time in 12 years (having a boyfriend from Tucson, helped keep me grounded in the idea that was my home). It could also be because I have no close friends left there any longer or the fact that I love living here. Or it could be because the idea of spending a stressful time with family members that I have limited to no contact with during the year is not my idea of fun or the fact that I’m dreaming of a White Christmas for the first time in my life (and the desert just doesn’t give me what I crave any longer).

For whichever reason, I’m fighting this year’s trip tooth and nail. I dragged my heels shopping, I grumbled every time I heard Christmas music, I delayed packing (and in fact still haven’t finished), I haven’t wrapped any present. This has been an ordeal made worse by my inability to just get it done.

I realize that once I get there I’ll slip back into the dutiful daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece role that I play so well…but just for this moment I wish I could just let it all go and do what I want to do for the holidays.

Merry Christmas to All and to all a Good Weekend!

Tis the Season to Dwell...

2005-12-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

So getting dumped is hard. Getting dumped by someone you believed was your soul mate is worse. I am so angry and really wish I wasn’t, because frankly I don’t like the person I become when I’m this hurt. It feels wrong somehow; like I’m a character in a play and I don’t know any of my lines. I have decided to embrace this grieving period as a chance to wallow in the sorrow of losing someone who was important to me. This is the first time in my entire life that I have had to cut someone out of my life completely and irrevocably (as a self-preservation tactic). I wrote my last post out of the pure anger at a situation that (simply put) sucks. Today I’m taking the time to close out the chapter in my life where I knew this person. I am methodologically removing his presence as a way to cope with the fact that I need to not think about him for a very very long time. It may be the ostrich approach and not a very mature one. But in the 27 years I’ve had on this planet I have always tried to be understanding & compassionate to what others are feeling and how they are doing. This weekend is just for me. I am going to be ruthlessly greedy and do and say things that I feel without mincing words. I am going to take this opportunity to exorcise his spirit from my life. By Monday, I will have finished writing down every thought and memory and moment that I had with him. I will take these pages that I am working on and I will seal them in an envelope to not be opened until I can think of him without this extreme level of sadness, betrayal and grief. Hopefully then I can look back on the few moments I had with him that were good.
The songs getting me through this period are:
I will survive – Cake’s version
Black – Pearl Jam
Crazy – Patsy Cline
The Dance – Garth Brooks
Ex-Girlfriend – No Doubt
I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five
Stronger – Brittney Spears
Tainted Love – Soft Cell
The Unforgettable Fire – U2
Don't Come Around Here No More – Tom Petty
You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette

I know not a very rational list, but it’s helping :)

Top 7 things I want to do before I die:

2005-12-13T11:16:00.002-08:00

7. Master 5 foreign languages fluently

6. Get my pilots license

5. Learn to Belly Dance

4. Learn to play Guitar

3. Write a novel

2. Live in Europe for at least 1 year

1. Get married and have children

Ever have one of these days:

2005-12-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when I need you baby, you're never there

on the phone long, long distance
always through such strong resistance
first you say you're too busyI wonder if you even miss me
never there
you're never there
you're never, ever, ever, ever there

a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
a golden bird that flies away, a candle's fickle flame
to think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

you tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
but when I need you baby

take the time to get to know me if you want me why can't you just show me
we're always on this roller coaster
if you want me why can't you get closer?
never there
you're never there
you're never ever ever ever there

- Cake

Can Long Distance Relationships Work?

2005-12-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

Relationships are defined as the connection between two or more people or groups and their involvement with each other, especially as regards how they behave and feel toward each other and communicate or cooperate.

If you live in another state or country from someone you are seeking a ROMANTIC relationship with, are you basically doomed to failure?

I have ended a long term, long distance relationship with a good man that I had grown to love as a friend and not a boyfriend. Of course one could argue that I was really ending the relationship when I opted to move to California and I left him in Arizona. But alas we lasted for almost 2 years after I moved, in this stasis of pretending that phone conversations were all that was needed in order to keep the romantic flame burning. The problem with that is you cannot snuggle up to words, you do not go to dinner with words and you cannot share a bottle of wine with words. Words do not hold your hand as you cross the street or tickle you until you scream. Words cannot kiss you or hold you or stroke your hair… they are just words.

In my situation, although I lived a short 12 hour car drive away (2.5 hour plane trip), we only saw each other 4 times a year. We subsisted off conversation alone and that is what made my once strong feelings of love turn to something much more innocent and platonic. If you had asked me (up until last night) why we failed I would have stated with absolute certainty that distance killed the relationship! This morning I believe it was something else.

To explain my change of heart I must disclose a bit of personal information: I have been seeing a new man for the last month that happens to live in Ireland. I feel very strongly for this man and have been a bit obsessive about trying not to plan for a future that seems uncertain but at the same time have desired this person in a way unparalleled to anything I have ever experienced before. I have since the very moment I met him been walking a fine line of absolute certainty that I could spend the rest of my life with him with the knowledge that if I am so certain of him now, I can afford to wait and give the relationship time to mature.

Last night while talking to him on the phone (entering into hour 4 of our conversation) I have a sudden epiphany: Distance is not what kills a relationship. Unwillingness to get over the distance is what kills a relationship! I know, I know this may seem simple to some but it was a bolt of lightening for me. I mean I was sitting there on the phone desperately wishing that I could be near him and I realized that just by the fervent desire I have to keep him physically close to me, I was in a way, overcoming the geographical separation. I mean the words he was sharing with me would in no way compare to being with him but at the same time because I was taking his words into my heart, they soothed my sadness of our separation.

His words gave me his history, his beliefs, his humor and his future. They also gave me the strength to understand that while we are in a long distance relationship now, this is a temporary situation. As he so wisely advised when I asked him a while ago how our story would end, “Well Jennifer, there are only two ways this relationship can end…either happily ever after, or we end up in gut wrenching agony and misery.” For some reason that very pragmatic analysis of a situation that has been out of my control comforted me and made me realize that this is the way all situations end.

So I guess if you had to ask me today if all long distance romantic relationships are doomed to failure, I would have to say not any more so than a relationship with someone who lives right next door. In the end it all comes down to intent and desire. You can make any situation work if you truly want to and the chance of success or failure lies in being honest with yourself and with your desire to make the situation manageable.

Top ten things to do in bed while sick

2005-12-06T21:47:00.000-08:00

10. Count the number of fixtures on your ceiling (if your house is anything like mine that means counting the heater vent and the fire alarm over and over and over.)

9. Watching the family channels 25 days of Christmas and crying your way through 25 days of sappy overly sentimental nosh.

8. Catch up on all that important “Cosmo” reading.

7. Sitting in the bathtub pretending to be Jacque Cousteau on an exciting mission to see your loofah in its “natural” environment.

6. Watching Mad Money with Jim Cramer….something so uplifting about seeing a crazy man screaming.

5. Not working and not feeling guilty about not working.

4. Surf the internet, looking up lyrics to songs and checking your horoscope for a year in advance. Cause there is nothing more important than knowing that next July, I might have a low day, but will spring back by the weekend.

3. Wait for loved ones to call so you can guilt them with stories of all your little aches and pains.

2. Sleep in sweet drug induced sleep.

1. Thinking up asinine top ten lists to cover the fact that I don’t blog nearly enough!

Homesick...Maybe just a little

2005-10-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture taken outside my old house in Arizona.

Let's Get This Party Started!

2005-10-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome all! This being my inaugural post, I felt I should write something profound (or at the very least something my friends will not give me a hard time about.) So before I do that, a bit of housekeeping seems necessary.

To begin let me explain my blog’s title and address. One of my favorite quotes is “It can’t rain all the time” which appears in the movie “The Crow” (I know, I know how 1994 Goth of me.). I identify with this quote and am fond of saying it to my friends in times of great distress as a replacement for the usual platitudes. Someday I will have to tell you about the absolutely crazy experience I had in Portugal where a non-English speaking bell boy said that quote to me for no reason at all… but since that requires a pretty significant back-story and I lack patience I will need to write that one out later. The address to my blog doesn’t have any interesting story however I just happen to think that Faux Paws would be a really cute name for a pet and all the other names I could think of were already taken.

The topic I am most interested in writing about tonight is “Do you believe that life is comprised of little decisions that lead you to the place you were meant to be, or do you believe that there is one significant crossroad that occurs that polarizes your very life structure and forces you down a path almost unrecognizable?”

Until very recently, I was in the camp of belief of the former. That is to say, I believe in fate, but always believed it was the little things that comprised a life and as such it would be the small decisions that led you down the path you were meant to be on. Now, I am not so sure.

I have recently experienced some blatant signs (coming through as a crazy amount of coincidences, meetings and new beliefs) that make me wonder if fate or even in fact a omnipresent being needed me to be in a certain place at a specific time with a definite mind frame in order to realize that my life will never be the same again. I think my recent awareness can be summed up in the following quote, “Fate leads the willing, and drags along the reluctant.”

I was, up until about 6 months ago, very reluctant to try new things, to put myself out there with the possibility of failure. I had reconciled myself to a life of mediocrity and was absolutely fine with that. I guess at a certain point I thought my significance in this world would be from living a life where I have a husband I’m comfortable with, 2.2 kids, a good house and plenty of time in retirement to see the world.

I had decided at the ripe old age of 27 that I really couldn’t hope for more in my life. (Never mind the fact that I have none of the things mentioned above.) I can’t even really explain why I had been so beaten down to acceptance; it’s just that I was willing to trade excitement, adventure, passion and deep love for security. To this point I had a steady long term, long distance boyfriend who I wore like a really good pair of flannel pajamas.

We got on well and as such it was natural to assume that this passionless yet companionable relationship would lead to a happy marriage. But then God or fate or some other guiding force stepped in and kept placing me in situations where I found it impossible to defend the weakness of my original thoughts and so here I am. Questioning everything and becoming more and more of a believer that I was led to this point, this “crossroads” for a reason and as much as I’d like to go back to that safety, I simply cannot. I have some serious decisions to make and am gathering the strength to make them. I have ceased to hide in comfort and am placing myself into the world with the idea that there has to be more to life then this...

Thus ends my first post, I welcome any comments and look forward to sharing more of my ramblings.